"I Drive Myself Crazy"
Written by *breeze
(c)Blonde-Breeze Productions 1999
“Mommy!” Lillian cried happily as she ran to me from across the
“Hey baby girl!” I smiled picking her up.
“Lookie what I made!” she said holding up a picture of a cat...at
least I think it
was a cat.
“Beautiful darling,” I said kissing her forehead. I signed her out
and grabbed her
jacket and we went outside. It was a chilly 40 degrees in New York
City, but the city was
still bustling with action. I had moved to NYC 3 years ago after I had
my heart broken by
Chris Kirkpatrick of N Sync. I had hauled ass and ran to NYC. Turns
out, I was pregnant
with his daughter, Lillian Mai. Well, I didn’t think he needed to know
because they were
becoming famous and I figured that would ruin everything for him. I
was still friends with
Saphy, but her & Joey had since broken up. I know Joey & Saphy still
talked, but I swore
Saphy to secrecy. She couldn’t tell where I was and I thought she
never would... thought
being the key word. I pulled into the parking lot of my apartment
building and Lilli & I got
out. We walked up to the place and she ran straight to the living room
to watch Blue’s
Clues. I went into the kitchen and I saw I had a message. I pressed
play and listened.
“Hey Annie!! Guesz who’s comin to NYC?! ME!!!! Me and 5 other people.
in on Wednesday night..see ya then!” Saphy said excitedly and hung up.
that’s..DAMNIT! That’s tonight! I picked up the phone and dialed her
cell number. It was
busy, just like it to be fucking busy! I sighed and went into the
living room with Lilli.
“Mommy, I watch tape,” she said handing me the *N The Mix video. I
she knew who her father was and I had created an N Sync loving monster!
“Alright,” I said popping the tape in and setting back against the
climbed into my lap and we watched the tape for a while before there
was a knock on my
“I get!” Lilli yelled running for the door.
“NO, LILLIAN!” I laughed running after her. She opened the door and
stood Saphy & N Sync.
“Hey Annie!” Saphy smiled. She walked in and hugged me. While we
tugged on my leg.
“Mommy, is that daddy?” she whispered. I looked up hoping CHris
but he had.
“Daddy?” Chris asked.
“She calls everyone that,” I laughed nervously. “Now go play with you
said sending her off.
“But you always said that Chris was my daddy,” she said before she
“Uh, guys, can Annie & I talk alone?” Chris asked clearing his throat.
“Sure. We’ll just go down the street to the cafe,” Saphy said as they
“God Annie, you’re even more beautiful than when you left,” Chris
his hand down my cheek. I sighed and closed my eyes. 3 years I had
waited for his touch.
3 years I had laid awake at night wishing I was in his arms. 3 years
and he was finally here.
“Chris, this can’t be,” I said pulling away from him. What was I
doing?! Hadn’t I
wanted to be held in his arms? Have him tell me that he loved me?
“Annie, please, I can’t take not being with you. 3 years have gone by
going insane without you,” he said kissing me softly on the lips. I
backed away. He sighed
and looked down.
“I’m sorry, Annie. I know I can’t just come back here & kiss you and
everything’s gonna be alright. I should have told you that I was
leaving the next day for
Europe, but I didn’t know how to mention it. I just wanted our love to
be so strong and I
thought it was, but I messed up. And I’m very sorry for ever losing
you,” he said getting
on his knees. “Please forgive me,” He said kissing my hands. By now
there were tears in
“I forgive you,” I whispered. He smiled and stood up, pulling me into
his arms for
a tight hug. I hung onto him for dear life and when I felt something
wet on my shoulder, I
looked at him. He was crying too.
“Oh Annie, you’ve made me so happy by just saying you forgive me,” he
sniffling. “Let’s sit down,” he said taking my hand and walking over
to the couch. He sat
down and pulled me into his lap, holding me tight against him.
“I have a question, Annie. Is..is..” he stuttered. I sighed.
“Yes, Lillian is yours. Please don’t hate me. I just thought that you
getting so big & succesful that you didn’t need a girl and your
daughter around to bug
you,” I said looking him in the eyes.
“I could never hate you. I have just missed out on alot with her.
She’s, what? 3?”
he aksed. I smiled.
“Yeah, she turned 3 a few months ago. She’s just like you. Crazy and
but I love her to death,” I smiled weakly. I needed to tell him
something else, but I didn’t
“Yeah, other than her telling me that I was her father, she has my
eyes,” he said
nuzzling my neck. I felt so loved & warm in his arms. I hated to break
“Chris, I’m dying,” I whispered.
“What?” he said turning me to face him.
“I’m dying. I don’t have much longer,”I cried.
“Shhh..” he said stroking my hair. He started crying himself thinking
of what I said.
Dying? He had just found me! He couldn’t lose me forever.
“What happened?’ he asked.
“They’re not sure, but it’s an incurable disease that they don’t know
right now and by the time they do know alot about it, it will be too
late. They gave me 6
“How long ago was that?” he asked fearful.
“6 months ago,” I whispered. His face went white and he clung onto me.
“No, that can’t be. I can’t lose you, Annie. You’re everything to me.
Lilli? I want her to grow up with her mother. Oh God Annie...” Chris
said breaking down
crying as he held me. The apartment was silent other than sobs and
sniffles coming from
both of us. Chris sat there thinking about it forever and he finally
“Annie, will you marry me, like, now?” Chris asked.
“What?” I sniffed.
“Marry me. I wanted to marry you someday anyways, but I want to be
before I lose you, considering that I do cuz there’s always a chance
you won’t die, right?”
“No Chris, I’m dying for sure.”
“Oh Annie...” Saphy said from the doorway. I had told her I was sick,
but I didn’t
say to what extent. “Is that what you meant when you said you were
sick?” she asked
sitting in front of Chris & I. I nodded. She started crying and Joey
took her into her arms.
“Mommy!” Lilli yelled coming out from her room. She stopped when she
crying. “Mommy, what wrong?” she asked climbing into my lap and
staring into my eyes
with her own chocolate ones that were identical to her father’s.
“Nothing sweetie,” I said stroking her fine blonde hair.
“Annie, let’s do it,” CHris said squeezing me tighter.
“Do what?” Lance asked.
“Get married,” I answered.
“Chris! Donna & Johnny will flip!” Justin cried out.
“Who gives a shit about them? I’m going to marry Annie because I love
much and I want to show her how much I do before she...” he trailed
off not wanting to
“We understand. You wanting to do it now?” JC asked.
“Yeah,” Chris answered. “I’ll go call the courthouse.” Chris got up
and Lilli was
still looking at me.
“Lilli, I want you to meet some friends of mine. This is Lance, JC,
and Justin,” I
said drying my eyes. “Guys, this is Lilli, Chris & I’s daughter.”
“Hey Lilli,” Lance smiled.
“She’s beautiful, just like her mother,” JC smiled. I shook my head
“How old are ya?” Justin asked. Lilli held up 4 fingers.
“Lilli, you know very well you aren’t 4 yet!” I laughed.
“I know..me 3. I just wanna be 4,” she giggled. The guys were playing
with her so
I decided to check on Joey & Saphy. As I was walking to the bedroom, I
dizzy and sick. I grabbed onto the wall as I about fell.
“Woah,” Joey said coming out of the door none too soon. He caught me
arms and I fell limp against him. I lifted my head up and closed my
“Hey Annie they--” Chris started but stopped when he saw me. “Annie?”
running over. Joey let Chris take me into his arms and fear filled
Chris’ whole body.
“Annie, honey, wake up,” he said lifting my head. I opened my eyes, but
everything was blurry.
“Chris, we have to get married now,” I whispered coughing hard.
“You feel up to it?” he asked worried.
“It’s now or never, Chris.”
“Alright. They said they could take us now anyways.” Chris looked at
“Saph, can you get Lilli around?” Chris asked her.
“Sure,” she sniffed. She went out into the living room and picked up
began getting her coat on.
“Annie, baby, can you walk?” Chris asked.
“Yeah, but don’t let go of me,” I whispered as I walked out into the
Joey grabbed my coat and threw it to Chris who put it on me.
“Guys, get your coats on,” Joey told the other 3.
“Why in such a hurry?” Justin asked doing what he was told.
“Annie is dying and it’s obvious she doesn’t have much longer. I’m
afraid if her &
Chris don’t get married right now, she won’t be alive tomorrow to do
it,” Joey said as
tears filled his eyes.
“Oh my God,” Lance whispered getting his coat on hurriedly. I tried
to walk some
more, but I was stumbling, so Chris decided he would just carry me. We
went down and
got into the big van the guys had brought and got in. Chris prayed the
whole way to the
courthouse that I would live so he could show me everything he had
always wanted to.
His wish didn’t come true.
They got down to the courthouse with me getting sicker by the minute.
helped me stand up as we walked into the building.
“Shit, Chris, the rings,” Joey said smacking his head.
“Use mine,” Saphy said taking off her diamond ring.
“You can use mine,” Lance said taking off the gold ring he wore
“Thanx guys,” CHris said. We entered the court room. The judge was
“Mr. Kirkpatrick and Miss Lane I presume,” he said standing up.
“Yeah,” I smiled. The ceremony began. It wasn’t anything fancy, just
“You may now kiss the bride,” the judge told Chris. He smiled to me
and his lips
met mine in a sweet passionate kiss as he wrapped his arms around me.
We pulled back,
resting our foreheads together.
“I now pronounce you Mr. & Mrs. Kirkpatrick,” he smiled and then had
the others sign the marriage liscense as witnesses.
“Oh Chris,” I sighed happily as he held me still in his arms.
“I love you more than my life itself, Annie,” he murmured kissing me
“Well, we have your honeymoon arranged you crazy kids,” JC laughed.
“What?” I asked feeling much better now that I was married to Chris.
“You heard the man. We set up your honeymoon. The limo’s out front,”
“And don’t worry about Lilli. We’ll take her tonight,” Saphy said
“Now get going and have some fun!” Joey smiled as he put his arm around
“Alright. Thanx you guys!” I laughed as Chris took my hand and pulled
outside. Sure enough, there was a huge white limo there waiting. We
climbed inside and
“This is kew-l,” I laughed.
“And you are so hot,” Chris said tackling me and kissing me
hands slipped under my shirt and fondled my breasts softly as I moaned
into our kiss. He
grinded his hips into mine and the wave of passion I felt overtake me
was mindblowing. I
hand’t been romanticaly involved with anyone since Chris and damn was
it a change being
touched & kissed all over again. The car stopped and we sat up. We
were in front of the
Hyatt hotel. The driver opened the door and we ran inside. It was
almost 7:30 at night and
we had the whole night in front of us. We checked in and ran up to the
“Wait!” Chris said pulling my hand from the door. “We gotta do this
laughed picking me up into his arms. I opened the door and we walked
in, locking it after
us. The room was huge and Chris threw me on the bed as soon as we got
climbed up on top of me and we started right where we left off. We
made out and when he
began lifting my shirt off, I stopped him.
“Chris, love, we have the whole night. Let’s do something else,” I
said looking at
him. He smiled and sat up.
“You’re right. Wanna watch a movie?” he asked. I nodded. “What one?”
“Ferris Bueller’s Day Off baby,” I laughed. He smiled and we put on
We cuddled on the huge bed watching it and when it was finished, CHris
laid me back on
the bed and smiled at me.
“Now?” he asked.
“Oh yeah,” I smiled puling his mouth to mine hungrily. Clothes were
kisses exchanged, and then finally, Chris entered me.
“Oh my god,” I said feeling like a virgin again. It had been three
long years without
sex and damn was I missing out.
“If I hurt you baby, let me know,” he whispered, nibbling on my ear.
thrusting slowly at first, but then he picked up speed, ramming
himself so far inside me
that I didn’t think he could go any further, but he did everytime.
“Oh fuck...” CHris moaned as he plunged into me one final time,
emptying his hot
cum inside of me. He kept on going until my body shook with my orgasm.
on my heaving chest with a smile etched on his face.
“I love you Annie,” he said looking up at me.
“I love you too, Chris,” I sighed running my hand thru his braids. He
rolled off of
me and laid to my side. He shut off all the lights and snuggled up to
The next morning, the sunlight came flooding thru the windows and
opened. He stared at his wife and sighed. He watched her a bit more
and noticed she
wasn’t breathing. He felt her face. Cold as ice. Her whole body was
cold. He felt for a
“Oh my God...no..no, this is a dream,” Chris cried shutting his eyes.
He opened his
eyes to find that he wasn’t dreaming. This was reality. “No,” he said
as tears flooded his
eyes and spilled over onto Annie’s cold skin as he clung to her. The
only thing he could
think about was Lilli. She would have no one to take care of her.
Well, he said to himself,
I am her father and it’s my duty to take care of her. He looked at
Annie once more and
began crying again. He knew he had to call someone, but who? Annie’s
who. He didn’t know his number, but he did remember her saying that
she went to NYU
Medical Centere for treatment. He picked up the phone and dialed the
main office. He got
connected to her doctor and told him. He told Chris that he was
expecting this and that he
would be at the hotel in 15 minutes. Chris cried as he got up and
began dressing his wife
since, afterall, she was naked from making love to him the night
before. He dressed her
again and the doctor came in and looked her over.
“It was the disease. I’m sorry. You were her new husband, right?” Dr.
“Yeah, I was,” Chris sniffled.
“And you knew she was this sick, correct?” he asked.
“Yeah, she told me. That’s why I married her. I lost her 3 years ago
daughter is my daughter too. I could tell from the minute she told me
she was sick that she
wasn’t gonna make it much longer. So I got the idea to marry her and
show her how much
I loved her. Plus, I wanted to be a part of Lilli’s life. I’m gonna
miss her so much,” Chris
“We all will. A bunch of the nurses at the Centere really liked her.
They’ll be sad to
hear she’s gone, but she’s gone to a better place, she really has,”
Dr. Young told him,
putting a comforting hand on his shoulder. Chris then called the guys
& Saphy and told
them to come quickly that it had something to do with Annie. They got
there and Chris
“Oh my God,” Saphy cried clinging onto Joey. He, too, was crying a
little. All the
guys were crying, actually. It was another 30 minutes before the
coroner came and took
away Annie’s body.
The funeral was a few days later and the fans responded well to Chris
married and having a daughter. They sent quite a few cards, but like a
few other people
have done, Chris told them to send donations to a fund at the NYU
Medical Centre for
further research of the disease Annie had.
(3 years later)
“So that’s what happened to mommy?” a 6 year old Lillian asked
sitting in her
“Yeah, it is. She would be proud of you. Actually, I’m sure she is
proud of you.
She probably watches you everyday and keeps you safe,” Chris smiled as
a tear came to
his eye. He had missed Annie to pieces, but he finally moved on. He
began taking care of
Lilli and she turned out wonderful. She was now in first grade and was
one of the top
“Don’t cry daddy,” Lilli said hugging Chris. Chris let the silent
tear fall from his
eye as he embraced his daughter. The living replica of his Annie.