"Oh my God...you did not have to do this, Kim. You did not have to do this." He cried. "How did you...why did you do this?" He was deeply touched by what she did, it must have took a lot. But there was that unsure-ness. He was crying but he was wary. He was thoughtful and yet...wary. "Kim I...I need a little time and space. I have some outlooks on things that need to be clearer, but won't be clear for a while. I'm not exactly saying no. I just don't know if I really like how things are going."
He might as well told her no. He could have just flat out said it and it wouldn't hurt as bad. Sort of like a cover up. Telling her no in a 'cover up' sense. She didn't know how to accept what he said. He left her clueless and full of stupidity. What did he mean? He didn't like things? Kim paused for a while and realize her tears were no longer of freight, but of sadness. Justin couldn't tell a difference, and this was a good thing. "Ok." She blurted. She shook her head, stood up, and back away from him. "Ok. I understand."
She thought Justin could tell she was hurt, he seemed like he didn't know. He knew what he said probably did hurt her in some way, because he could have easily said yes, but he had to be faithful to himself and his feelings. "Kim...I wasn't saying no. I just need time, sweetheart. Thats all."
He needed time for what? She wondered.
She tore her eyes from him and looked down at her hands. "I understand." Leaving the room was the best thing to do at the moment. And thats exactly what she did after changing into some purple pajamas. Jade was sleeping so she had nothing to worry about. She could go somewhere...far from Justin, and just cry. She went into one of the six bedrooms of the house and sunk on a bed with her hands covering her face. "Oh no. I don't know what to think of this. He needs time? Space? I mean, couldn't he have said that after he said yes? He doesn't even love me anymore." She cried to herself without talking.
What she didn't understand was, what was wrong with HIM? Justin. He was toying with her emotions it almost seemed, and he wasn't purposely doing it...she didn't think he was. He was begging for her to come back into his life and when she was back in his life, he shut off from her because he was blinded by his pain. Him not being trusted, and then having to suffer without her. Either he loved her so much he could stay mad at her for what happened. Or he really didn't care about her anymore and was just keeping to himself to see where things would lead.
Kim sopped crying and looked around the room. It was nice. She jumped up and bought a house so fast, she really didn't have a good look at it. She honestly didn't know of everything that was in the house. It was all put together by other people. All except Jade's room. Which was custom and had sentimental value.
She checked out her looks in the mirror. She didn't look too broken and damaged. She put her finger to her nose and sniffled. She was becoming a stranger to herself. All the things that happened in the past year and a whole life of abuse was too much. WAY too much. And just when she thought she was getting stronger, something cut her down. This was always. Not one point in her life had she ever kept a 'happy constant climax'. Not even since she met Justin.
She looked in the area of the door. Justin was calling her. She had two options. Prove to him how hurt she was, was one. Or she could act like she was fine. Acting like she was fine would cause less problems and that is what she needed most. She wiped her wet cheek clean, licked her lips, and fixed her hair. She entered the hall way and saw him standing with just a towel around his waist. "What's up?" She asked. If she could give herself a high-five she would have. She was able to control her tone of voice perfectly.
"There you are. Kim, I just wanted to tell you..."
Her eyes urged him to continue. "Tell me?"
"Tell you that 'Ever After' is on. I know that is like one of your favorite movies. NOT MINE! But since you love it so much I thought I would tell you."
She suddenly had the urge to just punch him. "Oh. Alright...thanks."
He smiled brightly. "Your welcome. By the way, I love the ring."
She shrugged. "OK..." He gave her a strange and questioning look. "I mean GOOD! I'm GLAD you LOVE it."
Justin began to shake his head hesitantly. He then went back into the bedroom to put some clothes on.
Kim went straight for the bed. She could careless about the movie that was on. She just wanted to lay down. She got under the covers and let them fit against her body to warm her from the dramatic air conditioning. A few minutes later Justin cut off the light and slipped himself in bed with her. It was just like the other recent moments they shared. Quiet, boring, and uptight. Kim felt a finger slip down her back. Justin hadn't done anything like that since they got back together, she was tempted to turn around, but didn't because she had tears running down her face and didn't want him to see.
"Kim I think we should talk about a few things."
She cleared her throat to rid her hoarseness. "I'm sorry, Justin. No offense, but I really don't feel like talking right now. I just want to rest. I just don't feel like talking or doing anything else." She told him softly.
Justin sighed, then put his back to her back. "Okay. No talking it is." He cut the TV off with the remote and closed his eyes to go to sleep.
There was a white speckle on the wall from the moon seeping into the bedroom. Kim had been looking at it every since the room grew pitch black. She had been gazing at it for the last six hours. She was definitely not able to sleep after what happened. Justin was full of surprises and once again he shocked the hell out of her. She was not expecting the response he gave her. If only she had built up her confidence and pushed her insecurities aside. Then maybe she would have been able to handle what he said to her. The fact that he didn't say yes, was not what was troubling her so. What was troubling her was, he had some pieces missing within him. Some portion of their relationship; the strongest point, went down the drain. They had too many fights, too many battles, too many close causes and now something was off track. And Kim didn't know if it was because of her, or it could have been him. Whatever it was, it wasn't good.
Justin's talk consisted of him not being able to live without her. It would be sad if he began to feel he COULD live without her. He could have only needed to be with her again to prove to himself he didn't need her. To think about such things tore her heart apart. Why couldn't they just be happy forever? Life would be so much easier to deal with. But no. Every small thing leads into fights and they could never get along. But they loved each other so much and...just confusion. Plain confusion.
Kim looked to her left to see if she could see any of Justin's features in the darkness. She couldn't. But she could tell by the sound of the breaths he took, he had his back to her. Just to look at him killed her. She didn't take notice to the loud cry she let out, followed by covering her face with her hands.
Justin awoke in his sleep and he immediately looked back. "Kim? You okay?"
She could feel his hand touching her leg. "Yes, I'm fine."
"Good. Now please keep it down a little bit. I am just so tired..." He trailed off and she could feel his hand leave her leg.
She couldn't believe this. Not only rejected, but suddenly...dogged.
Kim laid straight on her back, and continued to stare at the spot on the ceiling, with tears exploding from her eyes.
It was morning. Unwanted sunlight erupted Kim's eyes, and she put her hand in front of her face, to seize the light of the blinding sun. She groaned. She didn't nearly get enough sleep and sadly she was not able to sleep off any of her pain and confusion. It was not only there, it swallowed up all her morning hunger and made her stomach hurt.
Justin was not in bed. He was already up.
She had the strangest feeling she was going to have the worst day. The worst day indeed.
She was able to yank herself from bed, to the bathroom, where she brushed her teeth with Rembrandt extra whitening toothpaste, and washed her face with warm awakening water.
She checked Jade's room to see if she was in her crib. She was, and she was sleeping. Kim smiled at the baby. She was such a happy baby. It glowed on her Justin-fied face.
Kim picked up the dreaming baby and placed her on her changing table. She cleaned Jade up, even if she really didn't need it. Her naval was practically healed, and was forming it's final innie stage. Jade all together was growing.
When she was through with her, the baby was mid-awake, and was aware of Kim holding her. She balled up Kim's shirt in her hand and a small smirk crossed her tiny lips. She kissed her lips and smiled back. "Hey, sweetie." She kissed Jade again. "Hey, beautiful."
The baby's smile grew bigger.
For some reason Jade didn't wake up in the middle of the night. That meant one thing. She was hungry. Kim took about thirty minutes to feed her, then she took her downstairs with her. Justin was in the living room doing the usual...watching TV. "Hey." He said, not even attempting to make eye contact.
"Hey." She sat down on the couch with him. Not very close, but close enough.
The baby made a noise and Justin quickly laid eyes on her. "HEY, BABY GIRL! HEY!" He stretched as far as her could just so he could steal Jade from Kim and hold her. "AWW, and how are you this morning? Aren't you just the cutest thing?" The baby laughed. "I know you are."
Kim coughed so she could get some recognition too. She coughed again. No response from him. What was with this? One second he was calling her sexy, the next telling her he loved her, then he told her he need space, and now he didn't seem to even want to talk to her. But he wasn't trying to hurt her, he was doing it unknowingly.
Justin played with Jade for a little while longer, then he plastered his eyes back on TV. He busted out laughing.
She didn't know what on TV he was laughing about because she had been staring at him every since she got downstairs. She was trying to receive some comforting understand from him, but she was getting nothing more than more pain and disappointment. "What are you watching?" It was all she managed to get out of her mouth.
He laughed a little more before looking her over. "You look cute this morning. Oh ,and I'm watching this talk show, which is about how important virginity is. There is this guy, who looks like a crack addict to me, saying, "VIRGINITY AIN'T SHIT!" And you can't here anything, but all these bleeps going off. I think that is so funny." He looked down at the smiling Jade. "Dang, I cursed in front of her again. Every time I curse in from of her, pinch me. Okay, Kim?"
She nodded but began to zone as she did so.
"Kim, I'm going to ask you again. Are you sure you want to do this?"
"Yes, I'm SURE."
"But don't you know it's going to HURT. No matter what I say to comfort you, it's going to hurt."
She shook her head underneath him and bit her bottom lip. "I know. I know."
"Okay. Please, honey. If the pain is too much for you, just say stop and I will, okay? I don't care what point we are at, if you are in too much pain, just say stop. Okay?" He kissed her.
She nodded again. "Okay."
She could feel the tears coming. "...O...o...k...ay."
He kissed her again. "Kim...are you okay still?"
She didn't want to start freaking out, but she was very close to it. "It hurts, Justin. It hurts." She whispered under her breath..
"Okay, baby. I'm stopping..."
"NO! DON'T! Just...OW. Just kiss me. Your kisses take all the pain away..."
"Yeah." She agreed, removing a tear from under her eye. "Virginity is an important thing."
Her sniffled caught Justin's attention. "What's wrong, Kim?"
She laughed. "Oh, nothing...just a little flash back of mine." She bit at her finger nail to get rid of some of the tension swimming around. "Uh, Justin?"
"Y...e...s?" He asked slowly.
"This may be a personal question. And you don't have to answer it if you don't want, but when did you lose your virginity?"
He looked down to place Jade up higher on his arm. "I was seventeen I think. I lost mine to this girl. She was my FIRST love. I don't think I was her first but she was mine." His eyes carried back to the TV. "Oh, and a little additional info. You are the second person I was ever intimate with. Well third if you count the incident with..." He shuddered. "Britney. People think, Oh Justin Timberlake who screws all these woman, but really I'm not like that at all. I hate when people accuse me of being a player...UGH! That just proves who knows the REAL Justin Timberlake, and who doesn't." He looked at her a few seconds more, and then continued watching TV.
Jade made a giggling sound and spit up a little bit. Justin wiped her mouth with his shirt. "Aww." He kissed the baby. "Kim, I want to talk to you about 'getting married'."
She swallowed hard and looked down at her hands, which were fidgeting. "Alright."
"Kim, look at me." He demanded. She did. "Kim, remember when you first came to me. That night you left your parents house. Do you recall what happened two days after that?"
She didn't know what kind of point he was trying to make and she just wanted to turn away from him. "We went...shopping? I think we had Chinese."
"Can you elaborate?" He made a gesture with his hand for her to continue.
"We got into a fight about the rice?"
He nodded. "Exactly. And the day after that?"
"We got into a fight about me wanting to leave." She knew sometime during this conversation she would end up crying.
"Uh huh. AND what about that episode in the bathroom when you slapped me until my face was about to bleed?" He took a deep breath. "REMEMBER WHEN YOU WALK OUT OF THE DOOR AND LEFT ME. YOU ABANDONED ME, KIM! WITHOUT LETTING ME EXPLAIN ANYTHING! CALLED ME A LOSER! I JUST ABOUT KILLED MYSELF!" He was upsetting Jade because he was shouting so loudly. He managed to calm down. "Kim I can't live like that. Constantly fighting. Constantly having to heal over things that should have never happened in the first place. And I don't know. I don't know if I can go through it again. I don't know if I can deal with it anymore." Water took over his vision. "I don't even know if I want to marry you, Kim. I JUST DON'T KNOW! I KNOW YOU'VE SUFFERED TOO. MAYBE MORE THAN ME! BUT YOU WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND THE 'TYPE' OF PAIN I WENT THROUGH! YOU MAY THINK YOU KNOW, BUT YOU WILL NEVER KNOW." Jade cried loudly and he handed her to Kim, who was crying her eyes out.
"So, I was right. You don't love me anymore, and you don't want to marry me." She sobbed loudly. "You just sat here and basically told me you don't love me anymore. How could you, Justin?"
He placed his hands on her shoulders. "I did NOT say that Kim. Your putting words in my mouth. I just said I don't know! I didn't say I don't love you anymore or anything like that."
She pushed him away and put the baby on her shoulder. "NO! GET AWAY FROM ME! DON'T TOUCH ME!" She didn't feel her tears anymore and stood up. "How could you say that to me? You don't know if you want to marry me! SO WHAT? I DON'T CARE IF YOU DON'T WANT TO MARRY ME. You can keep the ring though. It was A LOT OF MONEY! And fortunately it makes you worth the little something you are. KEEP IT ON FOR YOUR OWN SAKE."
She was not sticking around to see what he had to say. She stormed upstairs into Jade's room, with Jade, and she locked the door. She felt awful. She didn't know what to do, she didn't know how to feel. All she could do was cry. That was all she could do.
Kim stayed in Jade's room all day. She didn't come out to eat, she didn't come out to use the bathroom, she didn't come out for anything. Justin didn't even try to break into the room, because he had no use to. It would do nothing more than cause another fight. He needed to tell her something though. "Kim...please come out of the room. I forgot that my Step-mom and my Dad and little brothers are coming over today. They are bringing dinner and are coming to see the new house, and Jade." He placed his hand on the door and it slid down to the knob, which he turned to find out it was still locked. "Kim..." He beat on the door. "Did you hear what I said? It's almost eight. They will be here in a few minutes."
She unlocked the door and snatched it open. Justin wasn't expecting it and tripped inside of Jade's room. "EXACTLY WHY THE HELL DID YOU WAIT UNTIL THE LAST MINUTE TO TELL ME? GOD, I JUST LOVE YOU SOOO MUCH. I JUST LOVE MY JUSTIN."
It took a bit to refrain, but he looked at her face and into her eyes to see sadness in it's rawest form. Her eyes were bloodshot and she had bags under her eyes, so help her God; she had been crying for a very long time. Her voice was so weak, even if it was at a shouting level. She was...hurt. "Kim? What...what happened to you?"
She didn't want him to see her face. "I have nothing to say to you. Don't..." She whispered into his ear. "FUCK with me right now. I'll put a little show on for your family, and try to act normal, but after they go...all hell breaks loose. Got that? ALL FUCKING HELL BREAKS LOOSE!" She pushed him out of her way, and went to go take a shower so she could quickly get ready for the appearance of his parents and brothers.
Just as Kim was pulling up her skirt she heard the doorbell ring. She ran into Jade's room to get her, but Justin already had her. Once again her hair was wet because she just got out of the shower, but she put it up to keep it from bothering her. As she made it to the front door she could hear crying. It was Lisa, Justin's Step-mom. "Oh she is just so beautiful. Justin, she looks just like you."
"I wanna see. I wanna see!" Jonathan cried, jumping up and down.
Kim joined Justin's side. "Hi." She swiped at her nose with a finger. Justin pulled her close to him. She looked over at him and rolled her eyes, and pushed him SO hard he slammed into a wall. No one was really paying attention to what happen, they were all looking at the baby."
"Hey there, Kim." Randy spoke. "The baby is so beautiful. She really is."
"She is." Lisa mumbled crying hard while holding her.
She nodded. "Yes, I think so too."
Steven ran to her and jumped on her leg. "Kim! Kim! Memer me, Kim? Me Steven! You so perdy, and neece. I leek yo foods. Yo foods yummy. I didn't see no dugheeze todahy. I seen a birdy dow."
She picked up the little boy and held him to her side. "I swear you are such a cutie. No doggies today, huh? Aww maybe next time you'll see some, kay? And you like my food? And you think I'm pretty and nice?" She kissed him on the head. "Your one cool little guy."
"I wove you Kim. You are so neece."
She didn't want to started crying right there, but tears ripped through her eyes anyway. "Aww you love me little man? I...I love you too." She kissed him again.
Jonathan walked up to her after taking a good look at the baby. "Can I have a hug, Kim? I've missed you. You look beautiful. I like your dress." She was wearing a skirt, but it's the thought that counts.
Holding Steven, she bent down and gave him a hug. She was wearing a white shirt that was like a tube top, except it tied all the way down her stomach, and her white skirt had reddish butterflies on it. "I've missed you too, John. Might I add, you are looking extra cute today."
"Thank you!" He said with a bright smile.
Justin gathered the food from his dad and kept a look out for Kim. "Well don't just stand there. Come in already! Mom, you want somewhere to sit, so you can hold the baby?"
She stepped in the house and looked around. "Oh, you really out done yourself. Nice house guys." She carried the baby to the living room couch and sat down with her. "Kim, I cooked. It may not be as good as your cooking, but I'm pretty sure with the baby and all you need a break. So I cooked for us."
She smiled. "Thank you very much." She set Steven down on his feet, and he followed her as she walked.
"Honey, give me a hug." They embraced quickly without smothering the baby. "You look stunning. And you have your figure back already. Look at you, your even tinier than from before. How you holding up honey? You look a little stressed? Did you bleed much after your pregnancy?"
Kim held her throat and stroked it up and down soothingly. "I'm okay. And no I didn't bleed much after I had Jade."
She held Kim's hand. "Thats good. You have a beautiful little girl here, Kim. Take care of her. Make her proud to be your daughter."
Kim hit a tear of hers away. "I will. I only want to best for her."
Kim took her seat at the dining room table. It was next to Justin. She was so angry with him, and hurt by what he said that she was slowly becoming sick. She sipped a glass of Coke she had, before picking up her fork to begin eating her food.
She refused to lay eyes on Justin. She refused. She was already in distress and her feelings for him were of extreme disgust. She could not look at him.
Lisa was holding Jade and Randy was holding Steven. The table was unusually quiet.
Kim felt a hand touch her leg and then rode up her leg and rubbed up and down her thigh. She paused from eating her roasted chicken and closed her eyes. "JUSTIN, WILL YOU GET YOUR HAND FROM OFF OF MY THIGH! AND PLEASE STOP RUBBING IT." She opened her eyes and ate a scoop full of mashed potatoes.
Kim was the only one not looking at him. He quickly removed his hand, and used it to slick his hair back. "Okay, DEAR."
It took a minute, but finally the stares faded off. "So, Kim...Have you been breastfeeding the baby? Or bottle feeding her." Mothers. or Step-mothers in this case, they were always asking too personal questions at the wrong times.
"Lisa...you don't have to embarrass the girl here in the middle of dinner." Randy told her.
Kim smiled and placed her fork down. "No, it's no problem. I have been doing a little bit of both."
"Well, honey. Breastfeeding is best, so try to give her your milk as much as possible."
"Kim has big breasts, Mommy." Jonathan said. "She has nice ones. Nicer than my teacher, Mrs. Fields."
Randy cleared his throat. "Let's change the subject please."
Kim giggled. "John, is you chicken good?"
"Yeah." He answered back.
"Good, sweetie. Eat more of it." She was blushing from his comment but at least she wasn't feeling as bad as she was. Justin reached up and placed her hair behind her ear. She slapped his hand. "I told you not to fucking touch me didn't I?" She whispered in his ear.
He wasn't putting up with any more. He used his fork to cut a piece of her chicken and ate it. He did it just to annoy her.
"PLEASE STAY OUT OF MY PLATE!" She shouted. He took another piece of her chicken. "PLEASE, JUSTIN!" Her voice was raising even more and face was turning red with anger. "DON'T DO THIS IN FRONT OF YOUR FAMILY!"
"You are the one that has the problem. I don't have a problem." He rolled his eyes at her.
"Oh really? Funny how there is this rumor going around that Britney Spears is pregnant by Justin Timberlake. HA! NOW THAT RUMOR CAN'T BE TRUE, NOW JUSTIN HONEY, CAN IT? BECAUSE YOU LOVE ME SO MUCH AND BRITNEY IS SAVING HERSELF FOR MARRIAGE! IF IT WAS TRUE, THAT WOULD BE TROUBLE!"
That did it. For some reason he lost it. He didn't need this right now. Especially not in front of his parents and brothers. He stood up and pushed his chair away. "I'm sorry Mom and Dad but you have to leave now. YOU HAVE TO LEAVE RIGHT NOW! TAKE JOHN AND STEVEN AND GO!" He went over to Lisa and took Jade. "I know this is awful, but we'll have dinner another time. Kim and I need to settle some things right now. VERY IMPORTANT MATTERS! RIGHT NOW! Because dammit, Kim. I won't have this!"
"Oh, okay. We understand." Randy said quickly. "We'll leave the food here."
"Yes, we understand." Lisa added. Justin hugged her and kissed her on the cheek. "We will get out of your hair. By the way, nice house. It's huge."
Everyone gathered there things and left fast. The look Justin had in his eyes was scary enough to make a child run home crying. As soon as the front door closed Justin put Jade in her chair in the living room then went back to the dinning room and got into Kim's face who was now standing. He pulled her to the side. "WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?"
"WHAT WAS WHAT?" She swayed her head in attitude. "YOU BETTER GET OUT OF MY FACE! I KNOW THAT! Oh, and I see you took your ring off. How nice. THREW IT IN THE BACK YARD TOO?"
"YOU'VE GO SOME NERVE! EMBARRASSING ME IN FRONT OF MY OWN FAMILY! WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?"
She pushed him. "You are my problem."
Before she could go anywhere. He held her against the wall. "WHY DID YOU SAY WHAT YOU DID ABOUT BRITNEY? HUH? WHY DID YOU SAY THAT?" He put his body as close as he could to hers. If they were not angry it would be a very sexual thing.
"It's the truth. I KNOW YOU LOVE HER! YOU SURE AS HELL DON'T LOVE ME! AND AFTER WHAT YOU SAID! ALL THAT I DON'T KNOW SHIT! I DON'T KNOW IF I LOVE YOU!"
He didn't show is pain from what she said and sucked everything up. "You know, your a bitch Kim. Let me explain to you what MY definition of a bitch is." He held her hand because she attempted to slap him. He put his lip to her ear. "My definition of a bitch. B-eautiful I-nteligent T-hreatening C-razy H-ysterical! Thats the kind of bitch you are. But I love you. Never forget that."
He let her arm go and got slapped. "Never call me a bitch again. I never though we would get like this Justin. You are the one that started this."
He rubbed his cheek. "No, YOU started it." He pushed his body back up against hers. He kissed her on the neck and then forced her legs around him. His lips soft and gentle. He spoke to her as he kissed her body feverishly. "Kim see, I think I figured out what your problem is. You want me to 'touch' you like I use to, and kiss you like I use to. You think I'm not affectionate, right? Well, BABY GIRL if I give all my affection to you..." He paused and kissed her deeply on the lips. His mouth trailed down her neck again. "Then how will I be able to give it to Britney, who I love so much?" She froze in shock from his words. "You may have started this shit." He kissed her one last time. "BUT I JUST ENDED IT!" He stepped back and she forcefully fell to her feet.
Kim in her dinner outfit
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