Chapter 9 - part one
*********** Justin ***********
My heart felt empty. My body felt like it was falling apart piece by piece. Laying in front of me were the three rings I had given to Cameron. The ones she never takes off her fingers rolled around on the cold marble floor in front of me. I felt like it was my soul spinning around on the floor in front of me and all I could do was cry. I cried out of pain, I cried because there was nothing I could do, I cried because I was scared of what it would be like to wake up tomorrow and still see these rings in front of me. And for the first time in my life I hated myself. I hated who I had become. I hated that I was such a free sprit living day to day by what I felt was right. I hated that I acted before I thought. I hated that my life was moving in directions that I body begged to differ with. And at this moment I wished way far in the back of my mind that I wasn’t living this life. This moment, this second. I dreaded my thoughts, my actions, my being. And I cried out as the realization of what I did and it stabbed
my in the heart like a rusty knife.
"You'll be alright," Jackie said.
"No... I won't...I need her...I need her sooo bad...." I cried out. "I can't live...she's my life," I said and cried harder. I stood up and wiped at my eyes harshly and stumbled towards the kitchen. My sense of balance was off and my eyes were too blurry to see if I was walking right. Some how I managed to reach the phone and dial my mom’s home number. My weak body rested against the counter as I attempted to take shaky but stabile breaths. It rang and rang and rang.
"Hello," Paul mumbled.
"Mama," I said quietly knowing it wasn't her.
"Justin is that you," he asked.
"I need my mom," I whimpered.
"What's wrong," he asked.
"I need my mom," I yelled loudly. The phone rattled and it echoed through out the house.
"Justin baby what's wrong," my mom said.
"She left me," I cried and sank to the floor again.
"Oh Justin," my mom said. Her voice wasn’t the same sweet voice I was used to. Besides the fact that it was four thirty in the morning. I could still detect a certain sadness mixed with true disappointment. I have never cried like this before in my life so that could have something to do with it too. "What happened," she asked quietly.
“I kissed... and I said...I didn't mean it mama," I said not even able to finish my sentences.
"Ok honey just calm down. You're going to make yourself sick. Just breathe," she said. It was too late for all that. The more I thought about what I had done and what I had said made the tears roll down my face even more and my breathing to become more erratic then it already was. "Justin please honey. You there," she asked.
"Yes," I whispered.
"Go take a shower and calm down," she said.
"Ok," I muttered.
"I'll call you in the morning," she said. I pressed the power button and climbed off the floor leaving the phone behind. I dragged my feet on the floor and wiped at my face as I climbed the stairs.
"Justin you ok," Lance called after me. I just continued my walk and entered the bedroom. The lights were off and Cameron was in the bed. I walked into the bathroom and did what my mom said. I climbed in the shower allowing the warm water to beat at my body. I thought of everything but what had happened. How the soap smelled. Whether I should shave since it was so early in the morning. If I had a towel waiting for me outside the door. And after a while it did calm me down. I dressed myself in warm clothes and then when I felt I was ready I climbed into the bed and Cameron was facing me. The light from the window was shining in and showing the distress on her smooth face. I wanted to touch her so bad. I wanted to feel her soft skin under mine. I started thinking about everything that we just went through today.
"Well then it's time. You are way to good to me baby,"
"That won’t happen baby. Mr. Winky is all that I need,"
"You are so hilarious Justin Timberlake,"
"Justin don't you knock,"
"For being a great boyfriend,"
"Think about that while you get your table dance,"
"Just tell me. I won't be mad,"
I wiped at my eyes realizing that I had begun to cry again. I built up enough courage to lean over and placed my hand on her smooth arm.
"Don't touch me," she said. Her words harsh and straight to the point. I quickly moved my hand as her words dug into my body like a knife. A tear ran down my face and she rolled over and flipped on the light. "I knew I should have slept in another room," she said and sat up pulling all the covers up. I wiped my face.
"No I won’t touch you. Please don't leave. Please. I’ll sleep on the floor if you want me too," I stuttered out. She started to climb out of bed and I jumped out and walked over to step in her way. "Please I'll sleep on the couch just don't leave me in here," I said. She plopped down on the end of the bed, her arms dropping by her side and her eyes sliding off her face. My already broken heart shattered into a million pieces just at the look of her fallen face. This could not be happening to us, not like this, not this way. I never imagined it ending like this. I never imagined leaving her period. "Can I ask you something," I asked. She nodded. "Did you break up with me down there," I asked. Thinking maybe she was just saying it and I was taking it the wrong way.
"Yes," she said quickly not even thinking about what she was doing or saying. "And I meant it," she said harshly. Her words were cruel and hit me like a lead bullet in my heart. I stumbled back like I was trying to dodge the harshness of her words.
"But you said you loved me. You said that downstairs, you wouldn't say it if you didn't mean it," I said sounding like a five-year-old. Tears were rolling down my face but I didn't notice them.
"I do love you but this is not helping me. You kissing other girls is not helping this situation," she said. I wiped my eyes and looked down. "I don't want this anymore," she said. I shook my head violently. tears flying all over the place.
"Don't say that. You don’t mean that. You love me Cameron I know it," I said quietly. “I know. I know. I know,” I muttered trying to reassure myself.
"It’s the truth," she said looking away.
"Stop lying to yourself," I yelled loudly.
"Don't yell and I am not lying," she yelled back. I dropped in front of her and wrapped my arms around her legs. I placed my wet cheek against her smooth shin and took in her smell. Her naturally sweet smell and cried harder. I began to tremble as I held her. It took a lot but I looked up at her in her eyes They were looking right through me, She wasn’t seeing me anymore.
"Look me in the eyes and say that you don't love me enough to stay. Tell me that looking in my eyes and seeing the love I have for you and knowing in your heart that you love me too isn’t enough. You tell me that jaden isn’t enough. If you can look me in the eyes and tell me that my hand on your leg doesn’t make everything that’s hurting right now go away. Then I’ll leave. I’ll pack my bags right now and I’ll leave. And I don’t want to hear that you don’t want this anymore cause you know in your heart that’s not the truth," I managed to get out. She looked me dead in the eyes.
"I don't love you enough to stay." I searched her face for a single wrinkle or flinch that would say that she was lying. But there wasn't one. I shook my head in disbelief. I blinked my eyes a couple of times to see if maybe I was dreaming but she didn’t move one bit.
"You're lying. You can't just get over what we had like that," I said trying to control my already out of control emotions.
"I just did," she said and stood up. I grabbed her and she flung around looking in my eyes. "Get your damn hands off of me Justin," she yelled.
"Please stop this. I get the point," I cried. She backed away from me. “Cameron I love you. You don’t mean that you don’t. Don’t say it if you don’t mean it,” I hollered not knowing that I was screaming at the top of my lungs. That she was trembling as she tried to get away from me but my hand remain clasped around her tiny wrist and I squeezed.
"Justin get the FUCK away from me," she screamed and started swing at me. Tears were pouring out her eyes and her little hand connected with my face. My head swung to the side and my eye immediately shut. I pushed her against the wall and she hit with a thud. Her wrist still gripped tightly in my hand. Tears rolled down my face automatically.
"Stop it Cameron," I said my eye throbbing. But I didn't notice it at all.
"Justin you're hurting me," she whimpered. I looked at the position I had her in against the wall. I was standing close to her and her hand with my large hand around her wrist was pushed up against the wall beside her head. Her body was as far away from mine as possible. And her eyes, oh my God her eyes. She was fearful of me. My eyes scanned over my hand noticing that my fingers had turned white from my squeezing her wrist so hard. I released her wrist and watched as the color returned to her pale wrist in the shape of a hand print. My heart stopped beating and I put my hands on top of my head. I backed away slowly and tried to form words in my mouth but nothing came out. My legs hit the bed causing me to fall to the soft cushion.
"Oh shit Cameron," I managed to get out. "Oh shit I am so sorry," I said looking in her eyes. Her brown eyes that normally sparked were dark and she remained pressed against the wall. She still looked frightened of me, like she didn't know what I was going to do next. "I'm so sorry," I said pulling at my curly hair. "What is wrong with me," I asked myself and leaned down on my legs. My body rocked side to side as I tried to come to grips with what I had just done “My wife is afraid of me,” I muttered softly. “Oh my God. I hurt you,” I whispered. What kind of person am I?
"Shh sweetie," Cameron said. Her two arms wrapped around me and I felt so much comfort in her embrace but the tears still poured from my eyes. Nothing could make that pain go away. Nothing could make what I just did alright. "Hush it's going to be ok. I'm sorry too," she whispered rocking me. She kissed the top of my head and rubbed my arm.
"I didn't mean to hurt you," I cried.
"I know baby. I know," she said.
"I just can't live with out you," I sobbed. "I can't and you said you didn't want me," my words weren’t coherent.
"I was lying. I love you so much Justin. So much. I'm just hurt right now," she said.
"So you still want me," I asked quietly.
"Yes. I'm sorry," she whimpered. Even though she said what I wanted to hear the replay contiuied in my head. The way her eyes looked when she realized what I had done to her. I’ll remember that for the rest of my life and the tears rolled out my eyes regardless. There was nothing I could do about it. She comforted me until the tears stopped falling from my eyes. "Come on let’s get some sleep,” she whispered as she kissed my head. I shook my head no. "You alright,” she asked. I nodded slowly. “Ok I'm going to sleep," she said. I nodded and she climbed away from me. “I love you Justin," she said.
"I love you," I whispered and stood up. I walked slowly out the bedroom and down the stairs. The lights were still on and I looked around at Jackie, Lance, and Joey were still sitting on the couches talking and watching TV. I reached the bottom of the stairs and bent down picking up Cameron's three rings. I sat them on the table and headed towards the kitchen. My throat was sore. My head ached and I wanted to think.
"Justin what in the world happened to your eye," I looked over at them and realized I couldn't see through my right eye. I reached up and tried to touch it but the warmth from my hand caused pain. I turned and walked into the bathroom. My eye had swollen shut and was puffy and red. She must have really whacked me. The rest of my face was puffy from the tears and a little damp. I sighed and flipped the light out as I walked out. Everyone was staring at me waiting for an answer.
"I don't know," I said and walked into the kitchen. I sat down on the stole and leaned my head down closing my good eye too. I heard the ice machine working and bare feet sticking to the floor.
"Justin let me see," Jackie said. I sat up and she turned my head towards her. She examined it then softly pressed the ice to it. I sucked air through my teeth to avoid screaming.
"Fuck," I said quietly and took the ice from her as i turned and looked straight ahead not wanting to face her. It was hard enough answering the questions in my head of why I had lost all sense of myself and hurt my wife. i didn’t need to answer to her or anyone right now.
"You don't know how it happened," she asked. I shook my head no and bit at my lip in pain. "Justin did Cameron hit you," Jackie said. I slowly turned my head and moved the ice from my eye. I saw the same fear in her eyes that I saw in Cameron and I wondered why. Was I really that awful looking at this moment?
"What do you think," I asked. My voice was ugly. Raspy from my yelling, soft from the tears and angry because I hated myself so much right now. She swallowed hard. "No she didn't hit me. Why the hell would she hit me," I snapped sharply.
"Just making sure," she said. I stood up and walked out the house and sat down on the swing bench. The stars weren’t shinning tonight and it was good cause I didn’t deserve beauty around me. My life and my actions were full of ugly things I had done and this dark hopeless night made me realize that. I sat on the wooden swing and stared out into the darkness hoping it would come and sweep me away.
********** Cameron **********
The bright Orlando sun beamed into through the still opened drapes and onto my face. I groaned softly at the interruption of my not so peaceful sleep. I had flipped around and twisted in so many different ways during my sleep that my body actually ached in places. My eye lids slowly opened revealing the bedroom that was silent and I stared at the off white ceiling fan for a moment before I rolled my head to the side to look at the empty side that Justin normally sleeps in. It had remained in the same condition it was in last night when he jumped out the bed to stop me. If only these walls could talk. They would certainly have a story to tell this morning. I removed my arm from under the sheets and stared at my tender wrist. There was no bruise and I was thankful for that but it should have never happened. I pushed him. I pushed him to that point and I know it. I know I could take the blame for last night for the most part. I take full responsibility for what happened in this bedroom. I didn’t have to lie to
him point blank in the face I didn’t have to tell him that I could throw away our marriage like that. That wasn’t fair and I knew it. Sure I was hurt but that’s no excuse. None at all. After Justin left I crawled in the bed and tried my hardest to go to bed but my eyes didn’t close until nine o’clock this morning. Even in my sleep I relived what happened last night causing me to be jumpy and that’s not like me at all. I glanced at the clock on Justin’s bed stand beside a picture of us and closed my eyes tight. It was already five o’clock in the afternoon. I sighed and flipped the covers back . My feet carried me into the bathroom and I showered and dressed quickly in some holy jeans and a pink tank top. I swallowed down my pills and headed out the bedroom. The sound of channels being flipped echoed up the stair case and I felt nervous. Was that Justin on the couch? Was I ready to face him yet? I approached the stairs and looked down. Jackie was sitting on the couch and Joey’s head was in her lap. I sighed wi
th gratitude and walked towards the back of the couch. Jaden was in his little play pin in front of them He was dressed and playing with one of his toys. Jackie turned around and smiled at me.
“Your rings are on the table,” she said quietly. I turned around and retrieved them. I slipped each one on my finger and turned back to them.
“Where’s Justin,” my voice unexpectedly soft.
“He’s in the kitchen. He’s been in there since he came down here this morning,” jackie said. My eyebrows shot up.
“Really,” I whispered. She nodded. I took a deep breath and approached the quiet kitchen. My eyes landed on he back of Justin. He was sitting on a bar stole in his pajamas staring straight ahead. His curly hair was unruly and his body looked tense. I walked in beside him looking down at the floor. I allowed my eyes to travel the length of his body and when my eyes met his face my jaw dropped. His eye was swollen with a large black and blue mark around his entire eye. “Oh my gosh did I do that,” I exclaimed. He didn’t say anything or attempt to look my way. “Oh baby I’m so sorry,” I whispered. He still didn’t more or speak. “Justin I,” with one quick move of his hand I was silenced. he was either mad or upset. Either way it was bad and there was nothing I could do about it. I turned on my heels and walked over to Jaden. I picked him up in my arms and kissed is head softly. He put his head on my shoulder and I bit my lip to keep from crying again.
“Cameron,” Joey said softly. I shook my head and walked towards the front door. I grabbed keys, my purse and Jaden’s diaper bag before I headed out the door and into my car. I had to get away. As far away as I could.
“Can I have a vanilla milkshake, a small coke, and a small fry,” I said into the speaker. What I ordered flashed up on the little screen and the price.
“Four fifteen second window,” the young girl said. I pushed my sunglasses up further on my nose and twisted the hat on my head better as I pulled up to the window. I’ve been driving around for about an hour and Jaden is hungry. So since I can’t get out the car and go get some baby food I have to make do and McDonalds is what its going to be. I reached in my pocketbook and grabbed my wallet. I pulled a five dollar bill out and turned back to the window. “Four fifteen,” the girl said. I handed her the bill and looked straight ahead. “Here you go ma'am,” she said sweetly. I turned and looked at the young girl and smiled at her as she handed back my change. She only looked about sixteen but was very pretty.
“Can I ask you a question,” I said sweetly. She smiled and nodded.
“Sure,” she said.
“You have a boyfriend,” she made a face at me. I smiled. “Oh no not like that. I’m married,” I said. She nodded.
“Oh ok. Well yeah I do,” she said softly. I nodded.
“Well let’s say he did something to hurt you really bad. But instead of trying to reason with him you jumped to conclusions and made the situation worst then it was. And you hurt him big time. What would you do,” I asked. She smiled and took a deep breath.
“Wow. I guess I would give him some space. Cause he’s got a lot to digest at once. But once I felt like he was comfortable then I would just ask for forgiveness as much as possible,” I nodded. “I hope that helped. I’m not good with relationship things,” I smiled.
“That’s perfect. Thank you so much,” I said. She smiled and handed me my food.
“You’re welcome,” I smiled and turned into a parking space. I grabbed Jaden’s bottle and poured the coke in it and handed it back to him. He loves Coke. I slipped the straw in the cup and drove off again to think some more as I sipped on my milkshake. The girl was right Justin did need space. He needed to think everything through, he needed to reason with himself and all that great stuff before he’s ready to talk to me about anything. And I was willing to give him that space.
I walked in the dark house and looked around surprised at the quietness. It was almost Eire. There was no noise, just the soft hum of the refrigerator in the kitchen. Not a Tv or stereo blaring. It was quiet. I dropped my keys on the table and adjusted Jaden on my hip before I started climbing the stairs. I know Justin’s home his car was in the garage and his keys were where they were when I left. Yet it seemed as though I was the only one here. I was the only one in this huge mansion and I hated being alone. I hated being alone more then anything. I opened up the door to Jaden’s room and looked around. I hadn’t looked at his room in a long time. The walls were still painted light blue and the little mural that we had painted around the room was still there. The clouds on the ceiling looked as fluffy as ever and the trillions of sports memorabilia laid out on the floor like someone had been looking at it. I smiled. It was a little boy’s room, the room I had always pictured my son having and I loved it so muc
h. I walked to the large crib and gently put Jaden down. He grasped the blanket in his tiny hand as he got used to the new surroundings. I smiled as his little breaths deepened and couldn’t help but to reach down and touch his soft cheeks. He was my little man and the baby I always wanted. I leaned down on the crib and watched him sleep for a little while. It was like watching Justin. Sure he did everything like every other baby in the world did but you had to watch. You had to see if just maybe this time he would switch it up n you. Maybe he would throw you a curve and throw you off. but that’s just how the Timberlake boys are. Not predictable, all heart, al compassion, and more then anything all love. I blow him a kiss.
“Goodnight my little prince,” I whispered. He took a deep breath and I walked out the room quietly. As I headed towards the bedroom where I assumed Justin was my fingers dragged across the white walls and I sighed. I never looked at this house. Not the way I should have. It’s gorgeous and I wish I had taken the time to explore it and appreciate it’s beauty as i should. I have never even been in all the guest rooms. I have never seen the rooms in the downstairs hall and that’s shameful. This is my house and I don’t know anything about it. This day I realized I don’t know a lot of things. I don't know about this house. I sure as hell don't know enough about Justin. I don’t know enough about my father and why he’s still suing me. I don’t understand my career and worse then that I don’t understand myself. I seem so false to myself but yet everyone says Im the realist person they know. I don’t understand that. Why can’t I see what everyone else sees. Why do I hide behind a wall of sarcasm and humor? Why do I hold
back my feelings? Why do I fell like I should protect others more then I do myself? Questions that won’t be answered today and probably never will be. I turned the door knob slowly and looked in the room. All the lights were on and I looked around for human movement. I saw something move on the side of the bed and I stepped further into the bright room. Sitting beside the bed with a two large boxes or pictures and articles, glue, scissors, and a large scrapbook was Justin. At the moment he was pasting a picture of our wedding in the Caribbean. His eyes were focused downward and his fingers were working at smoothing out the wrinkles in the beautiful color photograph. His right eye was black and blue like it was this morning but it wasn’t as swollen. I sat my purse down on the dresser and closed the door behind me softly. Justin still didn’t look up and I walked into the bathroom thinking that nothing had changed during my time away and I was ok with that. I didn’t need to push. He was still here. he was putt
ing together a scrap book. So there was no reason to worry. I slipped my feet out my flip flops and pulled my clothes off slipping into some flannel pajama pants and a cropped bralette. I ran my hand over my curly hair before I walked out the closet. i filled my glass with water from the sink and walked back into the bedroom. Justin still hadn’t moved. I sat down on the side of the bed and popped open all my pills. i swallowed two at a time and finished the rest of the water before I pulled back the covers. I wasn’t tiered, I just needed a reason not to have to talk and if climbing in the bed like I needed sleep was the way t do it then I did it. I got cozy in the T-shirt soft cotton sheets. My hands slipped under the pillow in a attempt to not think about the fact that I was in this bed by myself for a second night in a row. My eyes slowly closed and I prayed for sleep to overcome my feeble body.
Fifteen minutes later I was still awake and the sound of paper being cut and pages being turned was only adding to the restlessness I was trying my hardest to cope with. I slowly sat up and looked in the vicinity that Justin was. He had cut off some lights but didn’t look like he was close to ending the task at hand. I chewed on my lip and looked around the room.
“Do you mind if I turn on the TV,” I asked softly.
“Yes,” he said quietly. I nodded and looked at the wall.
“Music,” I whispered softly.
“That’s fine. Just not loud,” he said. I stood up and walked slowly to the stereo. Some of the medicine I take at night makes me extremely dizzy and I tend to stumble when I try to walk. I opened the cabinet and searched for a relaxing song. I pulled out the Romeo and Juliet soundtrack and scanned over the tracks until my eyes landed on the song that I listen to when I need to relax. I pressed in the number the CD was in the large changer and set it on repeat before I pressed play. The first few notes from the piano played and I closed my eyes and rolled my head to the side as i listened to the words allowing them to penetrate my soul.
Pride can stand a thousand trials
the strong will never fall.
But watching stars without you, my
heaving hard is full of pain, oh the
I put my head down and realized exactly what was keeping Justin on that floor and me standing on the opposite side of the room was our pride. Our foolish pride was keeping us apart. How I longed for his soft lips to touch mine. How I yearned for his hand on me and as the soft music filled my ears and the piano played a soft lullaby I felt like crying.
Where are you now?
Where are you now?
Where was he? Why was I over here and he was over there. It wasn’t fair. My eyes shut tighter and I fought the burning sensation in my eyes. As the song started over again I decided that I should probably go back to the bed. I was about to open my eyes and make my way to the bed when I felt the warm touch of a hand on my bare waist. I bit my lip softly and took a deep breath. Justin’s hand slid across my belly button and his finger ran up and down my scar softly like he was trying to take it away and transfer the pain that it caused to himself. My intake of breath was sharp when I felt his lips on my shoulder. His other hand ran down my other arm softly and I couldn’t hold the tears back anymore. I dreamed of his touch. I longed for it and here he was touching me for the first time in two days.
“I’m so sorry baby,” he whispered as his lips brushed across my ear. My eyes remained shut tight as the tears rolled down my cheeks. “I’m so sorry,” he said again.
“Me too Justin,” I muttered and turned to face him His arms wrapped around my waist tightly and his hand caressed the tense muscles on my back. I slipped my arms around his neck and he leaned down kissing me softly. His hands pulled me close to his body. His body heat transferring to me. His strength taking the place of my weakness. It was all I needed. All I had to have. Knowing that he was there was all that mattered. Everything that had happened was forgotten just as quick. I don’t need to hold on to those memories and as his lips pressed against mine I released those horrible thoughts of that night and replaced them with the ones we were creating now.
Chapter 9 part 2
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