“Justin you there,” Britney said knocking me out of my daze that I had slipped in.
“I can’t talk right now so if it’s not important I’ll call you back,” I said looking down at Cameron. She wasn’t paying any attention to me at all. She looked so sick.
“Alright. Is Cameron ok. I was calling to check,” she said. I sighed deeply.
“She’s fine. She just needs some peace,” I said softly and rubbed Cameron’s face. She pulled herself up on the toilet and hung her head in the seat. “Britney can we just talk later please. I’ll call you later,” I said quietly.
“Yeah Justin that’s fine. You take care of Cameron,” she said. I nodded and hung up the phone. I rubbed her back softly and looked down at her.
“I’m so tiered Justin,” she whispered. I nodded. “Can I just sleep,” it was like she was a child and I was taking care of her. Like she was asking permission for her to take a nap.
“Of course honey,” I said. She sat back on her legs and the helplessness and almost certain defeat poured out her eyes. I grasped her arm in my hand softly and she fell back on the mound of blankets. Her brown eyes lifeless to the point where I avoided even looking at her. She snuggled up in the pillow and closed her eyes.
“I’m going to just rest,” she muttered. I pulled the blanket up around her frail body and stood up walking out the bathroom and into the bedroom gasping for air. I felt like all this time I had been holding my breath. Hoping if I just waited, just hoped, she would look over at me and grin saying just playing. But it didn’t happen. And as she closed her eyes I realized just how bad this whole situation is. How this was all in the air, she was walking a tight rope and just a slight breeze could send her tumbling into oblivion. So as she curled up in that blanket I realized that this could be the beginning of the end and because of that I couldn’t breathe.
~~~~~~**A week later**~~~~~~
I walked into the bedroom and looked at Cameron. She was sitting in the bed with her legs bent up and the TV tuned to MTV. I watched her, studied her movements, her body language. Today was the first day in a week that she didn’t have to have therapy. But she seemed worse today then she did any day that she was having treatment. She wasn’t sick but she defiantly wasn’t herself. Not at all. Her body was weak as was her sprit. She hardly spoke four words and she didn’t even look Jaden’s way. That probably was the hardest thing. Her not having the will power to hold her son was too much. I can understand not being able to deal with me, I can handle that but little Jaden did nothing wrong and he didn’t deserve the cold shoulder. She wouldn’t even push his swing and that broke my heart. I looked at her eyes. They were locked on the TV and the little screens flashed in her big pupils. But her expression never changed. She didn’t glance my way once. Her index finger rested on a finger on the remote control but she didn’t dare change the channel.
“Cameron,” I said quietly.
“Shh,” she said harshly. I walked in and sat down on the bed.
“You want to get some breakfast tomorrow,” I asked as I untied my shoe.
“Ok I don’t know if you noticed but in case you didn’t I’m watching TV so would you shut the fuck up,” she said sternly.
“Don’t fucken cuss at me,” I said and stood up walking to my dresser and pulling at a drawer.
“If you would shut you damn mouth and let me watch the fucken TV I wouldn’t even have noticed you were in here,” she snapped. I yanked out some boxers and slammed the drawer back. I’m not going to get mad at this. I won’t do it.
“Ok I’m sorry sweetie. I’m going to take a shower,” I said and looked back at her. She flipped up her middle finger and I walked into the bathroom and closed the door. I walked to the closet door. What’s wrong with her? Why is she acting so hateful towards me now? What the hell did I do that made her so mad at me? I kicked the door then stopped and looked around. Before I knew it I was beating down the door. All the anger I had was just shooting out of me. All the anger I had about Britney, about my career, about being so helpless was being released and although my hands were burning I was actually starting to feel the heaviness from my heart slowly being lifted away.
“What in the hell are you doing,” Cameron hollered knocking me out of my daze. I fell against the door and closed my eyes tightly trying to catch my breath. I had broke a sweat and felt like I had been running twenty laps. I pressed my forehead against the door and grabbed the doorknob in my sweaty palm. I ran my hand over my curly hair and swallowed hard. “Justin,” Cameron yelled again.
“I’m about to take a shower do you need something,” I said back.
“I need my pills. I-I need my pills,” she said quietly. I rubbed my hand over my face and walked out the bathroom and glanced at Cameron. She was curled on the bed holding her stomach. I bit my lip and ran down the hall. I skipped stairs as I headed for the kitchen. Her pills were lined up in the window seal in a way that I would understand. The ones for pain were towards the left and the everyday pills were on the right. I grabbed a pain killer and ran back up stairs. When I reached the bedroom Cameron was in a ball on the bed. I opened the bottle and poured two pills in my hand and then climbed on the bed.
“Here baby,” I whispered. She slowly opened her mouth and I slipped the pill in on her tongue. She swallowed hard and opened her mouth again. I put it in and she swallowed it too. I rubbed her arm and leaned down and kissed her forehead.
“Don't touch me,” she whispered. I sat back and looked at her. She was fighting the pain but she was pushing me away and for some reason I felt like I was feeling the same pain. But not in m stomach, in my heart. I stood up and walked into the bathroom and closed the door. Having your wife tell you not to touch you is a huge smack to the face and as much as I’m going to want to forget this night. I’ll remember it for the rest of my life in detail.
“Justin you look like hell,” Chris blurted out as we sat in the van rolling towards the location that we were shooting our new video at. I tilted my head to the side and gazed at him through my dark glasses.
“As if I didn’t already no that. But thank you for stating the obvious Chris,” I muttered. He grinned and smiled.
“You can always count on me for that,” he said smiling. I nodded and look straight ahead.
“Oh how I thank God for that everyday,” I sid under my breath. I glanced over at Jaden in his car seat and sighed with relief that he was asleep still. I don’t think I could handle him crying again. My nerves, my ears, my body. I believe I would faint at the sound or either scream bloody murder. Either way it would be bad. It’s been a week and a half since Cameron’s first treatment. And she is worse off then she was before all this started. She can’t walk from point A to point B. She has this shooting pain in her stomach which she’s taking medicine for that knocks her out. She can’t go to the bathroom by herself. She can’t feed herself, she can’t do anything. So basically I’m taking care of two babies and I can’t do that. I can’t run back and forth between Jaden and Cameron it’s literally killing me. Today my mom is with her since she had treatment today. It doesn’t seem right. I mean I know that chemo does this to your body and everything but I never expected it to be this bad. Never in a million years did I expect her to look on the verge of death. I ran my hand over my curly hair and leaned down on knees closing my eyes. I feel like the world is collapsing in on me.
“Justin you alright,” JC asked behind me. I grasped onto the curls in my head and wished that this wasn’t happening. I wished that my life was back the way it was before. I wanted my happiness back. I wanted my carefree life back. But more then that I wanted my wife. I needed her, my body craved her as well as my heart and soul. “Do you want to do this today,” JC asked. I shook my head no but stayed in my position not moving an inch. I’m not sad or mad. I’m worn out. My body needs a break, my mind needs a break.
“We’ll tell Johnny ok,” Chris said quietly. I nodded again and took a deep breath. “Do you need some time to yourself cause we can watch Jaden,” it was like he was reading my mind.
“Yeah,” I whispered. I felt a hand on my shoulder and it squeezed the aching muscle.
“You can always turn to us. We understand and we’re here to help,” Chris said. I nodded again and sat up taking a deep breath. “You wanna talk,” he asked.
“I just want to sleep. Just close my eyes and sleep,” I muttered. He smiled and nodded.
“Well we’ll take you to my place and you can just crash there,” he said. I nodded. Anywhere. I don’t care where but as long as I can get away from all this then I’ll be happy. Content would be the better word.
The beeping of some video game startled me awake and I rolled over and glanced at the clock laying beside the bed. It read nine o’clock AM. Wait a minute. I came over here about eleven AM. I sat straight up and looked around the large under decorated guest bed room and allowed everything to click in my head. Had I really slept almost twenty-four hours? I hardly ever do that and when I do it’s because I’m exhausted from touring or something like that. I flipped back the covers and stood up walking out the bedroom quickly. The sound of the video game got louder as I approached the end of the hall where the large game room was. I poked my head in and was surprised to see Bobbie and Dani sitting there with Jaden. Bobbie was engrossed in the video game while Dani held Jaden’s hands while he tried to balance while standing. His curly hair was wild, probably much like my own at this moment. He was only wearing a diaper and he was bouncing around having the time of his life.
“Hey there ladies,” I said quietly. My voice deep and raspy from sleep. Both women looked up at me and smiled.
“Well look who woke from the dead,” Bobbie said grinning. I smiled and rubbed my hand over my curly fro. I bent down and looked at Jaden. His big eyes locked on mine and he smiled and collapsed to the ground.
“Come here buddy,” I said smiling at him. He squealed and crawled towards me. Dani put her hand over her heart and grinned as Jaden reached me and I scooped him up in my arms. I lifted him above my head and brought him back down against my chest. He grasped my white undershirt in his little hand and became intrigued at it. I kissed the top of is head softly and looked back at the ladies. “He hasn’t been too much trouble has he,” I asked. They shrugged.
“The guys were watching him all night and they called us this morning saying they had to go out and get something and asked us to watch him,” Dani said. I nodded and looked down at my son again. He had picked up my necklace and was gumming the metal.
“I think he’s starting to teethe,” I said quietly and rubbed his back softly.
“So you feeling better,” Bobbie asked.
“Much. I guess I was just really tiered,” I said and leaned up against the wall and sighed.
“I would say so. JC said that you barley got in the bed before you were knocked out,” I grinned and nodded.
“Yeah I guess all that lack of sleep just caught up with me. Has my mom called,” I asked wondering about Cameron.
“Actually Cameron called,” I looked at Dani surprised. “Yeah. She’s doing good. The doctors did something a little different with her chemo and she said that it made all the difference. But she was calling to say that she has an appointment at the salon at one and she wants you to take her,” I closed my eyes and nodded.
“Her hair must be falling out,” I muttered and looked down at jaden. I sighed. “You wanna spend the rest of the day here or with grand mommy Jaden,” I said not expecting an answer. He looked up at me and grinned. “Either way you’ll get spoiled out your mind,” I said grinning. He laughed and squealed. I looked up at Dani. “It’s a shame when he knows it,” I said smiling. Dani laughed. “You mind if he stays here,” I asked. She shook her head no. I smiled. “Ok. Well I’m going to be out of here in a minute or two. Tell Chris thanks and I’ll call him later tonight,” I said and wiped some drool off jaden’s face before putting him on the ground and allowing him to crawl around. He went straight to Bobbie and pulled up on her arm. She paused the game and played with the little boy. I smiled and stood up walking down the hall back to the room I was in. I paused and listened to the two girls talking.
“Does it make since for him to be that sexy when he wakes up,” I smiled and shook my head.
“I know. I just feel so bad for him and Cameron. She sounded so disappointed that he had slept over here. I think she feels horrible for being the cause of all this. I know she misses her husband and you can look at him and tell he’s missing her,” I sighed and leaned on the door. “She said she’s just lost the urge to do anything. She doesn’t have the energy to hardly even kiss him back anymore.” I swallowed hard and closed my eyes.
“I don’t know what I’d do if I lost the urge to be with JC. You know? I mean God I live for our special moments together. Just holding one another or kissing. That just makes my week,” Bobbie said quietly.
“Yeah I agree. Did you see how his face lit up when I said she called. He’s just giving way too much of himself at one time. The guys think it too. They want to just take a break until she’s well again but they don’t know how to tell him that,” Dani said. I shook my head, never in a million years will that happen.
“Besides I mean I don’t mean to be the bearer of bad news but who’s to say that this is going to be over in three months,”
“Bobbie,” Dani exclaimed.
“I’m just saying Dani that it’s cancer and its a day by day thing. It could be great one day and the end the next. You just never know,” she said softly. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing and my heart wouldn’t allow it to hit me full force. I lifted up off the door and it cracked.
“You hear that,” Dani said. “Justin,” she called. I quickly opened and shut the door making sure they didn’t see me. Well they knew now that I had heard but I didn’t care. Everything they said went over and over again in my head.
“I’m just saying Dani that it’s cancer and its a day by day thing. It could be great one day and the end the next. You just never know,”
She’s wrong. Cameron is going to survive this and everything will be back to normal soon. They’ll see today seems to be one of her better days and it’s the beginning of a whole new beginning. They just need to be a little patient.
I flipped through the new Cosmo magazine and rolled my eyes when I read how to please your man. I do not understand this whole salon thing at all. I personally think that it should be set up to appeal to guys. There should be a Sports Illustrated on the table with a television tuned to a basketball game since guys are the ones who use the lobby the most. Ok sure women sit here for at the most ten minutes but otherwise it’s a husband or a boyfriend waiting to see the master piece that took almost an hour and a half to create and a hunk of money to pay for. But no Oprah is blaring on the TV and I’m reading a damn Cosmo learning how to pluck my eyebrows without causing much swelling. Cameron’s been back there for almost two hours now. The person that’s doing her hair came out here to talk to me and explain why it was taking so long. I really didn’t understand since he doesn’t know ENGLISH! But I picked up on a few things. Can’t use chemicals so has to be these special natural products since her scalp in so sensitive right now. They removed all the dye or something and so she’s a dirty blond or even a brunette with blond high lights and keeping it in it’s natural state which is about as curly as mine. But I got lost somewhere when he asked me if hats were for biking. So after that I just really nodded and said that was fine. To make a long story short, I don’t know what’s going on but I wish it would hurry up.
“Justin,” I looked up amazed that someone had knocked me out of my deep thoughts. My eyes grew as big as saucers as I took in the beauty standing before me. Cameron’s normal rib length honey blond hair was now shorter then mine and brown with rich blond streaks through out which brought out her deep tan skin tone. The texture of her hair was tight springy curls, like mine, but silky and shiny looking. The new haircut accented her cheekbones and her phenomenal beauty.
“Oh my God,” I whispered and closed the magazine allowing it to slip to the floor in front of my feet. She reached her hand up and touched the ends softly as he chin started to tremble. “You are so beautiful,” I said as I walked towards her. She shook her head. “You don’t like it,” I asked. She shook her head no again. I wrapped my arms around her and she put her head on my chest. I rubbed her back softly.
“It’s too short,” she sobbed. “It’s shorter then yours,” she said. I smiled and looked in her eyes.
“I love it and I think you look so amazing,” I whispered and rubbed my hand on her smooth neck.
“Really,” she asked. I smiled and touched her new messy hairstyle. It was going to take some getting used to but it wouldn’t take too much. She looked so amazing.
“You look so sexy,” she smiled a weak smiled and sighed. “Mmm girl you just don’t know,” I said smiling.
“Justin,” she said quietly.
“Turn around so I can see it from the back,” she shook her head and turned around slowly. “Just what I thought,” I said.
“What,” she asked and looked at me with her innocent brown eyes.
“Beauty all the way around,” I said. She smiled.
“Where would I be without you,” she asked.
“Probably still living with your mom,” I said. She laughed and wrapped her arms around me. I held her tight and rubbed her back. She squeezed me and I was surprised by her strength. “Ewe you trying to pop my head of baby,” I asked. She stepped back and looked in my eyes.
“I’m sorry I just love you so much,” she whispered. I picked up her hands and kissed them softly.
“You never have to tell me that. Never ok. I know right here,” I said and put her hand on the side of my head. “And right here,” I said and put her hand over my heart. She nodded. I smiled and wrapped my arms around her waist and picked her off the ground. “So what do you want to do today,” I asked and smiled. She grinned and smiled. I wiped the tears off her face.
“Let’s cuddle,” she said. I couldn’t wipe the smirk off my face. The life had returned to her eyes and for a moment she was the same Cameron that I had three months ago.
“No complaints here,” I said and slipped out her arms and took her hand in mine. She smiled.
“Fran told me he came out here and talked to you,” I nodded. “He said you looked confused,” I smiled and pushed open the door for her. She walked through and we headed towards the car.
“Well he said something about if hats were for biking or something and that didn’t make any sense,” I said. Cameron busted out laughing and had to stop walking so that she could catch her breath. “What,” I asked and looked at her.
“Justin think does that even sound like something a hair person would ask,” she said still grinning brightly.
“I don’t know. He’s French maybe he was just asking a question,” I said defending myself.
“Or maybe he was saying something like...oh is that to your LIKING! Dumb ass,” she said playfully and grabbed the car keys from my hand. I stood in the middle of the parking lot running what she said through my head. Now it all makes sense. I looked at her and she was sitting gin the drivers seat moving the seat up to my new Lexus SUV. I shook my head and climbed in the passenger side. She was still laughing as she closed the door and clipped her seat belt.
“It’s not that funny and I’m not a dumb ass. I’m sure there are a lot of people who wouldn’t understand what he was saying,” I said and clipped my seat belt. She shook her head and put the key in the ignition.
“Whatever Justin. That is some funny shit though for real. I can’t believe you thought he was talking about a bike. Jeez, you crack me up sometimes,” she said and looked around for the handle to put the car in gear.
“Whatever,” I muttered. “Anyway you know you shouldn’t be sitting in the drivers seat of this car. You couldn’t handle a tricycle let alone a car,” Cameron glared at me and grasped the steering wheel in her hand.
“No need to be hateful and I can handle this. It’s just big that’s all. I have to get used to working with something this big,” she said quietly and put the car in reverse. I smiled brightly and waited until she was backing out to say anything.
“Oh you know how to work with something big. Believe me,” I said. She slammed on the brakes and the seat belt almost cut off my head. She reached over and smacked me on the arm a couple of times before continuing her drive.
“You are so damn perverted. I can not believe you said that,” she said smiling as she rolled into traffic. I smiled and looked at her. She looked so happy and my heart warmed every time I saw her bright white teeth shinning at me.
“You know you like it,” I whispered. She glanced at me and raised her eyebrows.
“How about we see how much I like it,” my jaw dropped open. “Don’t look so surprised. I can talk just as dirty as you can Mr. Timberlake,” she said smiling.
“I see that,” I mumbled and glanced out the windshield as she passed someone in the turning lane. “What the FUCK are you doing,” I yelled. She laughed and got back in the right lane. “Do you not like having a licenses,” I asked. She smiled. “You can’t drive for shit baby,” I said quietly and sat up more in my seat. I shook my head. “Damn,” I whispered still trying to get over the little stunt she had just pulled.
“I’m crazy Justin. I tried to warn you before we tied the knot. I’m crazy,” she said laughing. I smiled at her cuteness.
“That you are and I love you just the way you are,” she smiled and swung into the neighborhood almost taking out a blue station wagon.
“I love you too,” she said quietly. I smiled and shook my head. Bobbie was so off today it’s almost funny. She’s fine and this is the beginning. Before anyone knows it we’ll be back to normal and everything will be gravy!
I stared up at the ceiling and smiled brightly. Today has been one of the best days I have ever experienced. Even though I have like no hair and stuff like that. I haven’t felt this good in months and to top it off spending the entire day with Justin made it even better. I feel like my old self and I’m loving every second of it. The door opened and I looked over at Justin walking towards me with bowl and only wearing his sweatpants. We made love for the first time since the VMA’s. I felt like I owed it to him, I felt like I owed it to myself. Not that we need sex for this relationship but being close to your husband like that just eases everything. And it brought us back together I think. He plopped down in the bed and sat the bowl of grapes between us. I smiled and popped one in my mouth.
“Jaden was standing in the crib when I walked by,” he said. I sat up and picked up a grape signaling to him that I was going to toss it. He nodded and I tossed it up in the air. I smiled as his eyes watched the piece of fruit come towards him and his mouth catch it. He smiled as he chewed it up. He raised his hand and I smacked it softly. He clutched his fingers around mine and pulled me towards him. I smiled and leaned on his chest.
“You think he needs a new crib or something,” I asked as he wrapped his arms tighter around me.
“Yeah and let’s get him one of those walker things,” he said. I nodded and rubbed my hands on his knees. I sighed and curled up in his arms.
“So I talked to Britney today,” I said quietly. I felt Justin’s body tense and I shifted in his arms. “She asked how things were and everything and she asked me to remind you about today. So I’m reminding you although I don’t know what exactly I’m reminding you of,” I said.
“What is today,” he asked.
“November 17,” I said quietly.
“It’s the day we broke up,” he said quietly. I shook my head. I love Britney to a point. I really do, I have no reason to hate her. I like to pretend like I do because honestly it’s fun. But I don’t hate her. But the chick is a nut case. What kind of crazed psycho calls their ex-boyfriend who happens to be married with child just to remind them that on this day they broke up. She’s crazed, point blank, end of story.
“Wow well that’s cause for celebration,” I mumbled. He laughed softly and popped a grape in his mouth.
“She remembers everything like that. It’s just her strange nature,” he said. I nodded and pulled back the covers and climbed in. He lifted the bowl and followed my led. “Cuddle time,” he asked softly.
“Most defiantly,” I said and curled up in his arms. He kissed my forehead softly.
“It feels so good to hold you again,” he said quietly. I smiled and put my head on his chest. His heart beat was strong and it relaxed me.
“I’m sorry I’ve been so distant,” I said quietly.
“No baby,” he started.
“Justin please,” I said sternly. He nodded. “I don’t know what this whole thing is doing to you and I will never understand the depths of your side of the story but I want you to understand mine,” I said and looked in his eyes. He nodded. “When the lady sides that IV in my arm it’s like I try to build up this defense against the world. i don’t want to feel your pain, I don’t want to deal with your emotion, I don’t want to understand what it’s like for you to see. Because the pain I feel is not just physical. It’s emotional. It takes every ounce of will power I have not to open up the medicine cabinet and swallow some pills,” I felt his body tighten. “Knowing that what this medication is supposed to be healing me but yet it’s tearing me up inside is hard to deal with. Knowing that this is the last straw. If this doesn’t work, then who knows. So on top of the throwing up, the cramping, the fever, everything. I deal with my brain and I can’t even begin to try to understand anything else beside what I’m dealing with,” Justin lifted my chin and I stared in his eyes.
“You don’t have to feel my pain. I don’t want you too. I don't know what you’re going through that’s true but I do know that whatever problems I’m dealing with at the same time is not something that you need to deal with at that time,” I nodded and rubbed the side of his face.
“I know it’s got to break you every time I rolled away from you. Every time I didn’t respond to your kisses all the times I tell you not to touch me. But I’m here now,” I said softly. He grinned.
“You sure are and you ain’t going no where girl,” he said and pulled my body on top of his. I laughed and leaned down kissing him.
“I love this,” I said into his mouth.
“I love this, I love you. I love everything,” he said and kissed me deeply. I laughed.
“You are so corny,” I said. He nodded and rolled over with him on top.
“Oh yeah and what rhymes with corny,” he asked.
“Horny,” I said with a grin.
“I know it’s hard to believe but I’m actually less cornier then I am horny,” he said. I laughed and kissed him.
“Well maybe there is something I can do about that,” I said. He smiled.
“Hope so,” he said and kissed me intensely. This is how I want it just the way it was. I’ll strive for this moment everyday for the rest of my life.
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