I slowly rounded the corner heading back towards my room. There is not enough medicine in the world for me to take that stupid ass walk again. I can still remember what Dr. Appleton said to me almost an hour ago.
"Just take it easy. You'll be surprised how much it doesn't hurt"
Easy for a man who hasn't had his abdominal sliced open and stitched back together to say. I on the other hand had to stop and take breaks every ten steps. This will never happen again. Never ever! The worse part is dragging this stupid IV thing around with me. Sure it is feeding me and everything but it is a pain in the butt. I sighed when I saw that my door was opened and a figure was sitting in the chair by my bed. Who is it this time? The entire world has visited me I don't know who it can be now. I shuffled slowly into my room and was surprised to see Mike sitting by my bed. I smiled as he looked up.
"What are you doing here? Don't you have some career to elevate," I asked and slowly sat down. I bit on my tongue to keep from screaming out in pain. I slowly flipped my legs up on the bed and relaxed on the bed for a moment before looking over at my manager.
"Just checking up on my favorite pop star," he said with a smile. I laughed softly and pulled the covers up over my legs and then moved the bed up as much as I could so I could sit. "How you doing," he asked. I smiled.
"Surprisingly well. Wednesday was my hardest day and then after that I've been feeling better and better," I said with a smile. He nodded and crossed his legs. "I'm starting chemo in like two weeks," I said softly and looked straight ahead.
"That's good. The sooner the better. We want you well," I nodded and looked over at him. "I talked to your father," he said. I rolled my eyes as he moved up closer to the bed. "He's willing to drop the law suit," he said.
"Since I have cancer he figures that he'll do the honorable thing now right. Well tell him hell no," I said letting anger take over.
"Cameron the last thing you need now is to have to deal with testifying and lawyers. You can just end it now and move on with your life," Mike said. I closed my eyes and sighed.
"Mike he's suing me for eight million dollars. What makes you think that after I get well he isn't going to file the law suite again. I have a little boy to think of and I don't want him to remember his childhood as a time when granddaddy was trying to take money from mommy and daddy. If I can do it while he is young and get it over with then that's what I want to do," he sighed deeply and ran his hand over his unruly brown hair.
"Alright Cameron if that's what you want. But what if we see if we can postpone it until after the chemo," he asked. I nodded. "Alright good. So where is Timberlake and little Lake," I smiled at his little nicknames. Everyone calls Jaden little Lake.
"New York City doing promotion," I said and smiled.
"Oh for that show with Britney," my eyes opened wide and I looked over at Mike.
"With who!" I exclaimed.
I sat on the floor with Jaden in front of me holding his hands as he stood on his feet wobbling side to side. I smiled at my son and he drooled all over himself. I looked up at the laughter coming from the tables set up for us all to eat at. I wasn't going to sit up there with her and have her eye me every three seconds like I was a piece of meat to be drooled over. This day has gone from bad to worse. After her unexpected appearance the photographer thought it necessary to pair me up with her in a lot of the shots. Why I will never know? Then Jaden started crying and she felt the need to pick him up and calm him down, which he did but only because she looks so much like Cameron. And she bounced him like she did. After that she had the audacity to turn to me and smile saying that he thought that she was his mom. I should have pimp slapped her right there but I controlled my anger and took Jaden back from her and sat on the floor and played while they ate lunch I can't go two days like this I can't. Sure I t
alk to her on the phone but that is different. On the phone she'll listen to me and I don't have to worry about her trying to flirt with me or touch me. In person it's completely different and there ain't a damn thing that's innocent about Britney Spears. Jaden grabbed onto my leg and held himself up. I smiled; this boy is going to be walking in no time. My mom predicted seven months just because I started walking at eight and Cameron did at six. So seven seems like the right number. I leaned back on my hands and watched him bounce around and laugh at himself. I sighed deeply and wished Cameron were sitting next to me.
"Justin you mind answering a couple questions for the web site," Mirada asked. I looked at her and shook my head no. Johnny and the rest of management along with Jive thought that it would be good if we had a little section dedicated to what was going on with this whole cancer thing. So when it was time for a press conference or something all the questions wouldn't be about Cameron. She sat down beside me and smiled. "I know that like the whole world already knows how you two met and everything but we want to get all the background correct and everything," she said. I nodded.
"Well it was after we wrapped the No Strings Attached summer tour and I was in New York to see a taping of SNL and Cameron was the musical guest. So I went in the back to meet everyone and I walked into her dressing room and found her staring at a script on the verge of tears. So I offered to help her and that was our first meeting but nothing came from that because I had a girlfriend. The second time we met was at the 2000 VMA's at our after party. I thought she was Britney and I wrapped my arms around her waist and kissed her neck. And when she turned around and smacked me I realized who she was and apologized over and over again. I even sent her roses the next day. So New Years rolled around and we ended up performing at MTV and Cameron was there again and we talked and talked and by midnight I was kissing her," I said remembering that day so vividly.
"Baabababababb," Jaden mumbled. I smiled.
"Dada say dada J," I said urging him on. He just smiled and kept on bouncing on my leg. I rubbed his curly hair and looked back at Mirada. She was smiling at us. "We got married in November in the Bahamas and Jaden came in April," I said softly. All that is weird because Cameron was pregnant before we got married she just wasn't showing and we didn't tell anyone about her being pregnant until the seventh month. She nodded and smiled.
"So how is stuff going now," she asked softly.
"Camy has cancer," I said softly. She nodded. "And so we're living one day at a time," I said and looked up at her. She nodded and smiled.
"Anything you want to tell your fans," she asked.
"Thanks for the support. I know you're out there and praying about us and everything. And that means a lot to me and to Cameron. You've given us so much and it's hard to repay you for that but we will with our music and in our hearts. So thanks," I said and looked at Jaden. He smiled and looked in my eyes.
"Dada," he screamed. I looked around drawing in swallow breaths. He bounced again.
"Did he just say dada," I asked.
"Yes," Mirada said with a smile. I laughed out loud and picked up Jaden lifting him above my head.
"Oh my God," I said smiling at my little boy. "That's my boy," I said bringing him down and kissing his soft cheek. He laughed loudly and my smile slowly faded. Cameron missed his first word. How much of his growing up is she going to miss? Why couldn't she be here, why couldn't it be me in that hospital right now? Why her? Suddenly my joy for my baby boy had turned into tears. "Mirada can you watch him," I said softly and put him down on the floor as my chin trembled and my voice was shaking.
"Sure Justin," she said as I stood up.
"JuJu where you going. We're about to start," Chris called after me. I jogged out the room and noticed that there was no where for me to go. So I leaned against the wall and closed my eyes trying to get myself back together. I inhaled slowly as a tear slid down my cheek.
"Justin." I exhaled loudly and wiped at my face harshly.
"Britney let me be," I said not bothering to open my eyes.
"I can't you're crying. You never cry," she said softly. I rolled my eyes and pushed off the wall heading towards the end of the hall.
"Well I do now," I said angrily.
"Why are you so mad and upset with me," she asked following me down the hall.
"You think this is about you," I asked and turned and looked at her. She nodded. I laughed and shook my head. "You honestly think that I would cry over you being here," I asked.
"Well I don't know Justin. I did surprise you," she said.
"I don't think so. I'm not crying over you. You don't deserve my tears I'm crying because my wife is in the hospital with cancer in case you forgot and she missed her sons first words," I said loudly. Britney looked like she was about to cry and I sighed and looked down. I didn't mean to yell at her. She just grabs a hold of my nerves and never let's go.
"I didn't know Justin. I was just trying to help," she whispered. I sighed.
"I'm sorry Britney I didn't mean to snap at you like that. I'm just having a really hard time right now and having you here just isn't helping my situation," I said and turned my back to her and ran my hand over my curly hair.
“Why," she asked.
"Cause I still have animosity towards you and a lot of anger and hurt. So seeing you when I'm like this makes it even worse," I said not wanting to see her expression.
"You still hurt about our break up," she asked softly. I could tell by her voice that she was smiling and that made me madder. I turned and looked at her.
"I'm hurt because I didn't think someone I'd known since I was ten would cause pain to me like you did. After you were the one who told the press all about our relationship and everything when I said that it wasn't a good idea. And then had the audacity to get angry when we were followed and trailed. So you break up with me because you think that our relationship was too stressful when you're the one who caused the stress. And not a week passes and you are on the arm of another guy," I yelled as the memories of our horrible relationship played back in my mind. "So am I hurt because of our break up. Naw I'm hurt because I actually thought you gave a shit about our friendship," I yelled at her. She looked down and I rolled my eyes and headed back down the hall. "Like I said before let me be," I said.
"Well I'm trying to be your friend now," she yelled after me.
"What don't you understand about leave me alone. I don't want your help. I don't want to be consoled I want to cry and I want to be sad and mad so let me be and just leave me the fuck alone," I yelled my voice bouncing off the walls of the hall way. I heard Jaden starting to cry and I turned and hit the wall with an open palm trying to release all my anger. But it didn't help and I knew I couldn't go in there and try to calm him down because I was so mad. "Britney please if you're my friend at all. If you care about me just a little bit you'll just leave me alone," I said softly.
"Ok," she whispered and walked back in the doors. I closed my eyes and put my head on the wall and sighed. I don't know if I can get through this with my sanity.
"Yeah he said dada," I said with a smile looking at Jaden lying on the bed beside me sleep.
"Oh I missed his first words," Cameron said softly. I chewed my lip. "Man if that ain't depressing then I don't know what is," she said. I smiled and rolled onto my side.
"I miss you," I whispered softly stroking Jaden's head. She laughed softly.
"I miss you too. But guess what," she said. I could hear the excitement in her voice. I smiled.
"What," I asked.
"I'm coming home Sunday," she exclaimed. A huge smile crossed my face and I wanted to scream but I didn't want to wake Jaden.
"Really," I said softly.
"Yep. Everything is healing really nicely and I can walk and everything now. Tomorrow I get some stitches out so Sunday I will be home in our bed," she said so happy. I smiled.
"That is so great baby. I get to be your nurse," I said with a smile.
"What type of healing you going to be doing," I laughed softly and rolled on my back. "Well let me turn you on right now," she said. I knew right when she said it that I was going to be laughing hard so I stood up and walked away from the baby.
"Try," I said softly. She giggled quietly and cleared her voice.
"Well I'm laying in bed right now eating ice chips because I'm so hot," I smiled and leaned back on the wall.
"Go ahead," I said softly.
"I have on this sexy little hospital gown with blue spots on it. It just hangs on me and doesn't fasten in the back," I laughed quietly.
"Easy access," I said. She laughed.
"Exactly that's why I requested it just cause I knew it was such a major turn on," I laughed and closed my eyes. "Anyway if you can get past the captor I know we could have hot monkey love like we used to," I laughed so loud that I had to go into the bathroom.
"Oh my God Cameron that is so nasty," I said still laughing.
"I turned you on right," she said laughing herself.
"You know it baby," I said softly. She sighed deeply on the phone and I smiled. "I can't wait until I'm home with you."
"Defiantly," she said quietly. "You being good," she asked. I opened the door and sat back down on the bed.
"Aren't I always," I said with a smile.
"I don't know you tell me," she said.
"Yes I've been a good boy mommy," she laughed. "I lost control again," I said softly.
"You break some glassware," she asked giggling. I rolled my eyes.
"I'm glad that you find that situation funny. I on the other hand have yet to find the humor in it," I said smiling myself.
"Excuse me. Touchy Justy," I laughed and ran my hand over my face. "Well who caught the raff," she asked.
"Britney," I could hear her trying to hold back her laughter and I rolled my eyes. "Go ahead and laugh it up," I said. That was all she needed to hear. She laughed so loud in my ear I didn't know if I would ever be able to hear again.
"Oh my God I can't laugh like this I'm going to pop a stitch," she said trying to catch her breath. "I wish I was there. She was probably like Justin I'm just trying to be a friend," she said changing her voice to sound so much like Britney it was scary. I shook my head and smiled when she said the exact line that Britney had said.
"Exactly," I whispered.
"Ok ok. Jeez I'm paying for this suite you would think I could talk to my husband in peace," she must be talking to a nurse or something. She laughed her sweet laugh. "Nurse Kathy says hi and that her daughter wants to marry you," she said.
"Tell nurse Kathy that I'm married to the only woman in the world that I was meant to be with and no matter what girl wants a little piece of me. They won't ever have it because I belong to you," I said softly.
"Oh baby you are worken' for the loven' today," I laughed and looked over at Jaden. "You are such a sweetheart. But I have to get off the phone. It's past my nine-thirty bedtime," I smiled.
"Ok. One question," I said.
"What sexy," she asked. I smiled at the little nickname she gave me.
"You still gorgeous," she was quiet and I chewed my lip waiting for the answer.
"Boy you wouldn’t even reconize me," she said softly. I smiled and closed my eyes. "Sweet dreams baby. I love you and get back to me in one piece with no more open wounds then you already have," she said. I smiled.
"I will. And I love you too," I whispered. She sighed.
"Ok bye babe," she said and the line went dead. I moved the phone away from my ear and stared at it before turning it off.
"Bye," I whispered. I sighed and looked over at Jaden. Everyone says he looks like me but everyday I see more and more of Cameron then I did the day before. I just feel our marriage getting stronger and once we get through this little ruff spot we are going to be on top of the world.
I crossed my arms across my chest as the camera contiuied to snap in my face. I’m ready to go, we’ve been at this photo shoot forever! Felicia, Britney’s assiatant is watching Jaden. Not my idea at all, but me protesting was getting me no where so I relcutantly took him to her early this morning and haven’t seen him since. The day seems to get longer and longer And everything is moving in slow motion but there is nothing I can do about it anymore. I wish I didn’t have so much running through my mind right now. I just feel over loaded. I need a break. Halloween is coming up and I’m going to be home for that. Cause Cameron starts her chemo treatments the first of November. So we’re going to celebrate Halloween before.
“Alright Justin,” the photagrapher said softly. I looked up at him. He didn’t look to pleased with me. I wasn’t making his job easy at all. If he got a good picture out of the two rolls he used on me it would be some type of mirical. I flashed him a huge smile and walked away. I sat down in a chair and closed my eyes tight hoping that I would drift off.
“Justin,” no such luck. I opened my eyes slowly and Britney was standing in front of me. Ever since I blew up at her we’ve managed to keep our distance through out the day.
“Yes,” I said softly. She pulled down on the little half top she had on and slipped her hands down onto her little waist. I stared at the little silver ball that was in her belly button and smiled. I used to love that thing. Man her waist is so tiny and flat and...What the hell are you saying Justin? You’re married to the most beautiful girl on the Earth and you’re eyeing Britney. What is wrong with you? I shook my head relieving my head of such thoughts and then looked up in her eyes.
“I wanted to say I’m sorry for that thing in the hallway yesterday. I don’t want us to leave here not speaking,” she said softly. I looked down and nodded.
“I’m sorry I yelled at you like that,” I said softly.
“You’re forgiven,” I looked at her and smiled. “I’m about to leave but I’ll call you if that’s alright,” she said. I quickly nodded then realized what I had just done.
“Yeah that’s fine just don’t get obsessive,” I said. She laughed softly.
“Ok,” she reached over and wrapped her arms around my neck and stepped up close to me hugging me. I wrapped my arms around her and held her close to me taking in her scent and soft skin against my own. She stepped back smiling. “Bye Justin,” she said and skipped away. I sat back in my chair and watched her walk away. Her hips twitching slightly and her shoulder length blond hair bouncing off her shoulders. I subconsciencsely licked my lips. Until I finally realized what i had just done. I looked straight ahead my eyes wide.
“What in the hell did I just do,” I said out loud.
I closed my eyes and took in a deep breath of the sweet smell of my bedroom. It was a mixture of lemon fresh pine sol and that wonderful Abercrombie cologne that Justin bathes in. But it was home and even though I wasn't in the hospital as long as I could be I still felt like I was gone way too long. The bed was defiantly more comfortable then I remember it. Justin put all these extra pillows on the bed and the soft like cotton sheets. I am never going to want to get up but the doctor said that I shouldn't stay in bed all day everyday. So I'm going to start moving around.
"Is the patient decent," Justin called from the hallway. I smiled.
"Aren't I always," I said. He smiled and entered the room carrying a vase of flowers and sat them down on the table beside me. He crawled in the bed beside me and put his head on my shoulder. I smiled and twisted my finger around in one of his soft curls. "Where's Jaden," I asked.
"Sleeping," he whispered and carefully draped his arm across my stomach. “Am I hurting you," he asked.
"Nope," I said. He nodded but still moved his arm away from my stomach and instead gently stroked my thigh.
"So me and Dr. Appleton had a talk today before I came to get you," he whispered. I kissed the top of his head. "I asked some questions about chemo and everything," he said. I nodded. "Have you talked to him," I looked out the window. I didn't want to talk about this.
"Yeah," I said softly.
"So what do you want to do about your hair," he asked softly and looked up at me. I closed my eyes and sighed.
"I don't want to cut my hair Justin," I whispered. He stroked the side of my face and I looked down in his eyes. "I'm always complaining about it and now I'm going to loose it and I want to keep it," I said trying to smile. But it was no use. My eyes were drooping already and Justin's face was cloudy. He moved up and wiped at my face.
"Don't cry honey," I closed my eyes. It was too late The tears were already coming. "Camy your hair will grow back," he said softly. I nodded.
"But that's not it Justin. This could screw up my chances to have another baby," I whispered. He kissed my forehead softly and looked deep into my eyes. "I'm just so scared Justin. I'm just so scared," I finally admitted. He wrapped his arms around me and hugged me rubbing my back so softly and giving me more comfort then I thought one person could possibly give.
“I know baby. I’m scared too but everything is going to work it’s self out and if we can’t have another baby then that’s fine. We’ll adopt one. We’ll become foster parents. We’ll get a dog,” I laughed at his last comment. “It doesn't matter as long as I have you and you have me then nothing else matters,” he said. I nodded.
“A dog Justin, you compare a baby to a dog,” I asked calming down a little bit. He smiled.
“Well maybe that wasn’t a good comparison but it was the closet I could think of,” I laughed out loud and looked at him. “Why don’t we get a dog?” He said excitedly. I tried to figure out when this conversation had changed. A second ago I was crying over not being able to have a baby and losing my hair and now we were talking about getting a dog.
“You so random sometimes. You were probably one of those kids that asked your Spanish teacher why the grass was green and not orange,” he smiled and propped himself up on his arm.
“How’d ya know,” he said. I laughed softly and shook my head. “But ;et’s get a dog a little one that Jaden could play with. And then he could have a dog like every little boy should have,” I eyed Justin and when I realized he was dead serious my grin faded.
“Justin how can we have a dog,” I asked.
“Um buy one. I mean sure you bring in the big bucks and let’s face it I’m living off you but I have some money stored away,” he said. I laughed at his sarcasm. I wish I had a bank account like his. Not that mine is too shabby but Justin could buy a small island in the Pacific and build a theme park on it calling it Justin’s World.
“You’re a funny guy,” I said he nodded in agreement. “But funny man let’s face the facts. One small dogs are cute yes. But a small dog is dainty and everything. Not a play with kind of dog. Sure a Yorkie is adorable but that’s my type of dog. A golden retriever is the type of dog you buy a kid not a chiwawa. Which brings me to my second point. Can’t bring a big dog on the road. And yeah I’m home now but um I plan on surviving this so who’s going to take care of this dog. And the third and most important point is I don’t want one,” I said and smiled. Justin glared at me and tightened his face.
“Why you gotta be so damn negative. I just want a dog,” he said. I smiled and rubbed his face.
“I love when you get the angry child face on. It’s so cute. Can you throw a tantrum for me just to complete my day,” he sat up and looked down at me with seriousness in his eyes.
“I’m getting a dog. I’m naming him Bud and you are going to love him,” he said sternly. I laughed.
“Ok fine Justin. Jeez, don’t name him Bud though. That’s just a little to cliché. And no pit bulls, rotwilers, or dogs that could chew through a metal fence. I want my baby to play with his dog not die,” Justin nodded. “And it is Jaden’s dog. Don’t go doing some outlandish things with him and training him to sit on a command only you can say,” he laughed at me.
“You worry too much. Put a little trust in me. I promise I won’t screw up,” he said and kissed my nose. I smiled and watched him walk out. Maybe I do. Oh well that’s just the way I am.
~~~~~~~two weeks later~~~~~~~~~~~
I held Justin’s hand tightly as we walked down the hall towards the area I would be given my first chemo treatment. We’ve already had a long talk with the doctor about what the rest of my day was going to be like so I’m nervous. Certain smells make me throw up so I know today is going to be really hard. Justin opened the door and we walked to the nurse. She smiled at me.
“Hi Cameron ow are you doing,” she asked. I smiled and tucked my hair behind my ear.
“I’m nervous,” she smiled at me and nodded.
“That’s to be expected. I see you didn’t cut your hair,” she said. i shook my head as we followed her to a chair. I sat down and she slipped a bag on the IV holder thing.
“I just didn’t want to,” i said softly. She smiled and nodded.
“Understandable. You know most of the time I have women that come back to me and say that their hair grew back the way they always wanted it to be,” I smiled.
“That’s good to hear,” I said. She nodded and slipped a needle into my vein. I closed my eyes and chewed at my lip.
“All done,” she said. I looked up at her and she smiled. “This should take about thirty minutes. would you like a magazine or something,” she asked. I shook my head no. “Aright Justin there is a little tray or bowl beside you. If she starts to get nauseated or feels like she might vomit hand her that and I’ll be right over there,” she said. Justin nodded and the nurse walked away. He picked up my hand and kissed it softly.
“This isn’t so bad is it,” I said and looked over at him. he smiled and kissed my hand again. I was trying to make myself feel better about the situation but it wasn’t working.
“So I think I found a dog,” he said. I looked over at him and raised one eyebrow. He laughed. “A golden retriever breeder in New York said that I can get one in December,” he said. i smiled and shook my head.
“I thought you were kidding,” I said. He smiled and kissed the top of my head.
“Nope at Christmas we’re going to have a little dog running around,” he said. I smiled and closed my head. I was starting to feel a little weird. “You ok,” he asked. I nodded and swallowed hard. he rubbed my face softly and I sighed.
“Where’s jaden,” I asked.
“I left him with Chris,” I laughed loudly.
“Chris,” I said. He nodded.
“He loves Jaden,” Justin said defending his answer.
“I know. He’s probably using him as a spokes model for his clothing line,” Justin laughed and kissed my head. I sighed deeply and chewed at my lip. I can just tell this is going to be a long day.
I walked slowly holding Cameron’s hand as we walked through the parking lot towards my car. She squeezed my hand and I put the little bowl in front of her mouth and she got sick. I closed my eyes and looked away. She’s been throwing up since the tube came out her arm. I dumped the contents out on the ground and we finally made it to the car. I opened the door for her and she sat down and closed her eyes tight. She looks so bad. I reached in and clipped her seat belt on her. I put the container in her lap and gently closed the door. I ran around to the other side and climbed in the car. I pulled out the parking lot and headed home hoping she wouldn’t get sick again until we got home.
“Shh sweetie you’re going to be fine,” I said holding Cameron against my chest. We are laying in the bathroom with towels and blankets wrapped around us. It’s about seven thirty and I don’t know how I’m going to deal with this. Cameron wrapped her arms around my waist tightly as she cried. I wish to God I can take this pain away from her. I would give my life if it meant she didn’t have to hurt like this I kissed the top of her head softly.
“I don’t want to go tomorrow,” she whimpered onto my bare chest. I stroked her face softly.
“It’s going to make you feel better. This is the hard part once you get past this then you’re home free,” I said softly. She nodded but I knew she didn’t believe me. I couldn’t tell her everything was going to be alright, I have absolutely no idea what kind of pain she’s going through right now and I don’t know if I’ll ever comprehend it. The phone rang behind me and I reached back and picked it up. I pressed the talk button and pressed it to my ear. “Hello,” I said softly.
“Hey J it’s Brit what’s up,” my heart rate sped up and my hands got clammy. Why was she calling?
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