These are kind of weird. Remember what these two
people are going through and
how stressful and draining it is to find out you have a life altering thing
happening to you and you have no control on what it does to your body. And
for Justin not being able to fix something when that's something you've
gotten so good at. So you can only imagine what's going on in each one of
their heads. Madness!
I walked through the front door and Justin was sitting on the couch in the
dark staring at the muted TV. I glanced at the VCR and barely made out the
time Eleven thirty. So I took a really long walk. Is that a crime. I had to
get things off my chest.
“I hope you had a blast doing whatever you were doing,” Justin said sounding
very calm. But I knew better then that. I walked behind the couch and into
“I did,” I said and opened up the refrigerator.
“I bet. You were gone for almost nine hours. I hope you had the time of your
life,” I walked back in the room holding a glass of juice.
“I did. So much fun I just lost track of time,” I said. He was still staring
at the TV and hadn’t moved an inch since I entered the house.
“Yeah I hate when that happens,” he said sarcastically. “I hate when I LOOSE
track of time. I hate when I have to BREAK appointments. I hate when I LOOSE
time in the studio. I hate it when my wife DISAPPEARS with out a trace and
comes in the house like nothings wrong. But those are just my personal pet
peeves,” I rolled my eyes.
“Justin if you got something to say SAY IT,” I said getting annoyed with the
“Don’t you dare act like I don’t have the right to get mad, Cameron. I missed
a session in the studio because you wanted to disappear,” he said still not
making eye contact with me.
“Why don’t you look at me,” I asked.
“If I look at you I will loose my mind and I don’t want to get mad like that.
Not right now,” he said.
“Well if you aren’t going to look at me then I might as well just go upstairs
and go to bed,” I said calmly.
“FINE you don’t talk to me anyway. It’s not like this will be too much
different.” I rolled my eyes and headed for the stairs.
“Don’t expect the door to be unlocked,” I said and started climbing the
“Don’t EXPECT me to care,” I stopped in my tracks. That’s the first time he’s
ever said that he didn’t care if he was in the room with me or not.
“Justin,” I said quietly.
“No you going to lock the door then I’ll sleep on the couch. You roll away
from me in bed anyway so I might as well sleep down here,” he said.
“Poor Justin. All the stuff he has to go through because his wife has cancer.
Excuse me if I don’t pull out the tissues and cry but I don’t do well with
pity stories,” I said angrily.
“Go to bed Cameron,” he said. It was bothering me that he wasn’t moving and
that he didn’t seem to react to my harsh comments. I stomped back down the
stairs and stood in front of the TV. His face was eliminated by the blueish
from the television. But could tell he was really mad and for a second I
wanted to turn around and go right back upstairs.
“What did I do,” I said looking him dead in the eyes.
“What didn’t you do,” he asked his gaze more powerful then mine ever could
be. “I used to hold you at night and you would love every second of it. You
would wake up and be mad at me if my arms weren’t pulling you to my body. Now
I’m lucky if I get to touch your arm before you mumble something about
needing space,” I looked away. “You tell me that I want to pick you up after
you fall. Well I do Camy. You’re my wife. If you hurt I hurt. If you have to
go to the hospital for test then I’m there to hold you had. That’s what I’m
supposed to do. That’s what I want to do. Being married makes us a we and if
you don’t like that. Then you shouldn’t have said yes,” he said. I sat the
glass down and crossed my arms. “It’s trued that no I don’t understand what
you’re going through and I know you got so many different emotions flying
through your body but let me know. Let me try to help. Even if it’s just to
hold you let me do it,” he said quietly.
“What’s going on you two,” my mom said. I looked at her and i could tell that
she was worried. “Cameron you need to be in bed. The doctor said for you to
get plenty of rest,” she said. I closed my eyes and sighed.
“We’re talking mom,” I said softly.
“Well you can talk in the morning go to bed,” she said. I rolled my eyes.
“I”m twenty two years old. Please let me live my life,” I said trying not to
get upset again. I had just finally relaxed and was ready to talk to Justin.
“I’m not going to take no for an answer,” she said. I knew she was serious
just by the way she was standing. I bit at the inside of my mouth and shook
“Am I three all over again. Am I really that incompetent that everyone thinks
that I need to be told what to do next in order to live my life right,” I
“Cameron,” Justin started.
“No. I can’t stay here. I can’t stay here tonight. God,” I said and walked to
the dish my keys were in. I grabbed them and pulled at the door. All of a
sudden my stomach cramped up and I squeezed the door knob with all my might.
“Justin,” I whispered. I was trying my hardest to hold myself up but I could
feel my legs weaking under me. He ran over to me and held me in his arms.
“It’s ok. It’ll be over soon. Just relax,” he said trying to calm me down. I
pressed my foot against the floor and tied to press down on the ground but he
wouldn’t let me. “Just relax. I’m right here,” he said and kissed my
forehead. I held onto him tightly and tried to calm down.
“It hurts,” I whispered.
“I know. You’re going to be fine though,” he said. It slowly started to
dissipate and I released the grip I had on his shirt.
“Justin I’m sorry,” I cried. Tears poured down my face. It was like the flood
gates opened and I just couldn’t stop it. “I’m so sorry for trying to push
you away,” I sobbed. He held me to his body and hugged me.
“I understand I know. We’ll get through this,” he said. I wrapped my arms
around his neck and cried on his shoulder. As long as he’s by my side I’ll be
“Promise me that you’ll go own. Promise me that if I take my last breath
tonight that you won’t end your life with me,” I squeezed Justin’s hand and
looked in his teary blue eyes. He bit his lip as tears poured down his face.
I wanted to reach up and wipe them away. If he only knew how much he meant to
me. If he only knew that I lived my life for him. If he only know what I
would do to make him happy. “Promise me Justin,” I said sternly.
“Camy I can’t,” he muttered. I closed my eyes as pain shot through my body.
My hand shook dramatically and I closed my eyes to get through the pain.
“Promise me,” I said as every nerve in my body turned against me and sent
surges of pain through my body.
“I promise,” he said and kissed my hand. I smiled softly.
“I’m not scared Justin,” I said and looked over at him. “I’m not scared.”
Everything went black.
I shot up breathing hard and trying to catch my breath. I looked around the
room and light was beaming in through the window. I brought my legs up and
put my head down on my knees and bawled. The door opened and I heard
footsteps on the floor.
“Honey,” Justin said quietly. I looked up at him and sobbed uncontrollably.
He sat down on the bed beside me and wrapped his arm around my shoulders and
pulled me towards him. “What’s wrong,” he asked. I wiped at my face and tried
to calm myself down.
“I dreamed that I....that I....” I paused and looked up at the ceiling.
“That what,” he said concerned.
“That I died,” I said softly. The room was silent and it scared me even more.
Justin grabbed me and pulled me to his body. He held me so tight but I felt
so much comfort in his arms.
“You aren’t going anywhere. I will not let that happen. I will not let you
go. You are my everything,” he said. I nodded and wrapped my arms around his
waist. He rubbed my head and I closed my eyes and calmed down in his embrace.
What is going on in this head of mine?
The music pumped from the speakers and I danced hard doing all the moves that
we had been taught in the past three days. It’s so hard and I’m complete worn
out. I haven’t been sleeping much in the past couple days and if I do doze
off I wake up with horrible dreams. I guess because I haven’t really dealt
with all this yet. I’m letting it build up inside of me and trying to be so
strong. I stopped as the music stopped and I looked around to see who had
turned the music off. I’d been here for almost thirty minutes by myself.
Cameron and her mom have Jaden today and are doing some thing. I don’t know,
wasn’t really paying attention when I left the house.
“What in the world are you doing here so early,” Lance asked. I wiped my
forehead and turned to face him and JC. I shrugged and walked to my bag
pulling out a towel and wiping my face. “It’s bad enough we had to be here at
eight o’clock but Maggie said you’ve been in here since seven,” he said. I
nodded and tossed my towel down on the floor.
“Yeah. I just wanted to work on somethings I wasn’t getting,” I said staring
at the floor.
“Justin what are you talking about. You have this dance perfectly and have
had it down since the first day,” JC said. I turned back and faced the
“You can never be to prepared. Isn’t that what Johnny says,” I asked and
pulled up on my long pants.
“Yeah he does but there is such a thing as being overlay prepared. Now talk
to us. What’s going on,” he said knowing something was happening with me. I’m
not good at hiding my emotion. It pours out through my eyes.
“Nothing,” I said quietly and started dancing again as Joey, Chris, and
Johnny entered the room with Wade behind them.
“Justin,” JC started.
“Nothing is wrong. GOD WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO SAY,” I screamed. “I’M FINE.
JUST LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE,” I yelled. I dropped my arms by my side and
fell to a squatted position and dropped my head. I could feel my eyes
starting to burn but I didn’t want to cry. Not here not in front of everyone.
“Justin,” Johnny said calmly. I didn’t move I just focused on not crying.
“Why don’t you go home and take a little breather,” he said.
“I can’t. Cameron’s there,” I whispered.
“That’s fine,” he said. I shook my head.
“No I have to be STRONG. I HAVE TO BE STRONG FOR HER,” I said still looking
at the floor. “She can’t see me like this....she can’t know,” I said as tears
rolled down my face. “GOD WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO HER,” I cried and fell
back leaning my body on my legs and allowing the tears to roll off my face
and onto the floor. “We just got happy...she’s happy...and...now.....she’s
dying,” I sobbed. Someone rubbed my back trying to comfort me but it was no
use. I pushed their hand off me and stood up. I wiped my face and looked at
my self in the mirror. I was a wreck. I almost looked dead. “Don’t touch me,”
I said noticing Chris reaching to console me again. I took a deep breath and
shook out my arms. Everyone was looking at me with pain in their eyes. JC was
shaking his head almost in tears himself. I sniffed and fixed the bandana on
my head. “Aren’t we supposed to be dancing,” I asked.
“We can,” Johnny started.
“What did I say about changing things for me. What did I say about wanting
this to be normal. This right here is not normal. You guys trying to force me
to go home and take a nap. ALL THIS SHIT IS NOT NORMAL. I just want to dance.
Can we do that or do I need to turn on the music and do it myself,” I asked.
Everyone was silent and then all of a sudden the guys dropped their stuff and
started stretching out and warming up. “Thank you,” I said under my breath.
“No wait a minute,” I looked up and JC was still standing by the door. “HELL
NO. You guys are just going to fold and do what he wants,” he asked. I looked
at him like he was crazy. “He needs to come to grips with somethings before
he is ready to perform on Thursday. And as good as he has this dance down. He
will have an emotional break down before it’s time to perform unless he TAKES
HIS HEAD OUT HIS ASS and starts talking about how he feels,” JC said. I
looked at the guys and they looked like they were actually believing him.
“What do you know,” I asked looking at him.
“I know you look like SHIT and you can’t keep eye contact with anyone for
more then two seconds. I know that you are dying inside and you are scared,”
he said. I balled my hands in fist and grinded my teeth together. “I know
that deep down inside of you you’re just a little boy that needs to be
consoled,” I took a deep breath.
“WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU KNOW,” I yelled. “NOT A DAMN THING. You don’t know what
I’m going through. NONE OF YOU DO. You can’t possible understand what shit is
going on in my head and no matter how much I explain it to you. YOU’LL NEVER
GET IT. You’ll never understand how broken my heart is right now. You’ll
never comprehend the pain that surges through my body every time I look in
Cameron’s eyes and see the fear. And know that for the first time in my life
I’m powerless. I can’t do a thing,” I said. Everyone was silent. I pointed my
finger at JC. “So don’t you stand there and tell me what you know. Cause you
don’t know one fucking thing,” I said through clenched teeth. I turned around
and walked to the window seal and pressed my hands up against it and stared
down at the ground below me. I squeezed my hands together in fist as anger
rushed through my body. I picked up my hand and slammed it through the
window. I felt the glass cut me and the warmth of my blood pouring down my
hand. I brought my hand back in and
leaned on the wall as tears fell down my face. All my anger converged into
unbelievable amount of sorrow and sadness. I slid down the wall and landed in
a slump on the floor. I couldn’t even control it anymore it just all came out
at once. Everything all the pain that I held inside for such a long time
finally came out and I laid on the floor and cried like I have never cried
“Wrap that towel around his hand and be careful,” it was all a blur nothing
around me made since. All I could see were figures around me. I closed my
eyes and everything went dark.
Chapter 4*coming soon*
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