************ Justin ************
Jaden’s cry was shrill, almost terrifying and it was doing nothing for my nerves. I haven’t seen or heard from the doctors since we got here. She wasn’t breathing in the ambulance and I don’t know. I’m scared, I’m beyond scared. She can not be gone, not like that. It’s too soon. We never went to Disney World, we didn’t even talk about this. She can’t leave me not now. I will die too. i will die right now if she’s gone. She’s my life, she gives me the will and the determination to go on from day to day. And if she’s not with me I don’t know if I have it in me to go on with out.
“Shh Jaden,” I said in his ear and kissed the side of his head. It was obvious that I was upset and that was not helping Jaden. Babies can’t be calmed by someone just as upset as them.
“JUSTIN,” my eyes darted up and I saw my mom and Paul running down the hall. My eyes clouded up completely and I couldn’t se anything.
“Mama,” I whispered. Paul took Jaden from my arms and I covered my face with my hands and cried just like my son.
“Come here,” my mom whispered and wrapped her arms around my trembling body. I put my head down on her shoulder but kept my face covered with my hands as I cried. Her hand rubbed my back giving me comfort but not enough. Only one person could do that and I don’t even know if I’ll ever feel that comfort again. Just that simple fact kills me.
I sat in the waiting room tapping my foot against the floor as I leaned down on my legs staring at the floor. There were exactly sixty seven pieces of tile that made up the floor. I should know I’ve counted five times. My patience is wearing thin. I need to know something. Sitting in here like there is nothing wrong is killing me. My mom is trying to get Jaden to go to sleep but that’s hard. It’s going on midnight and we still haven’t heard anything. Paul called Cameron’s mom only to find out that they were not there. I have no idea where they are. they’re supposed to be flying in early in the morning to be here. So why aren’t they home?
“Mr. Timberlake,” my eyes darted up and landed on a doctor. “I’m Doctor Michael Rubin. I’ve been working on your wife,” I quickly nodded.
“Yes,” I whispered. My voice was so gone that all that I was able to mutter was a horse raspy yes.
“She’s stabile now. Cameron has a bad respiratory infection and it caused her to loose consciences for a while but she is fine now,” my heart fluttered. “I understand that she’s been taking medicine for her cold,” I nodded. “Well the problem is that the chemo was working against her and basically killing her bone marrow and caused her to not be able to fight against this infection,” I nodded.
“What does that mean,” I whispered.
“It means that right now she’s fine. We’re fighting the infection with some strong antibiotics but she needs bone marrow to survive,” I nodded. “As soon as I realized this I called her mom and they are at the hospital but it doesn’t look good. Her sister who would normally be the match isn’t and neither is her mom or her aunt. Since her fathers family can’t be reached we are turning to the outside population,” I felt like I couldn’t swallow.
“So basically she needs a transfusion as soon as possible,” he nodded. “How long can she wait,” I asked.
“It’s hard to say. Some people wait for years but Cameron’s case is different. You have to fight the cancer as well as the infection and you can’t do that. In the hospital we can keep on fighting off the infections but there is only so much we can do,” I nodded and looked down. “It is very possible that we find a match soon. It will just take some time,” I looked at my mom and she reached out taking my hand in hers.
“What can I do,” I whispered.
“Be strong for her,” he said and squeezed my shoulder. I looked down. “Would you like to see her for a little while,” I nodded. He smiled. “The nurse will be in soon. We’re going to do everything in our power Mr. Timberlake,” I nodded and he walked out Everything in their power wasn’t good enough. Not for Cameron.
The room was dark except for the single light that shone down from above the headboard of the bed. the constant beeping was intertwined with the rise and fall of the breathing machine. And the annoying sound made some type of strange rhythm that was some how comforting. I softly shut the door behind me and walked into the room careful not to wake Cameron. I stopped short of being directly in the light and I stared at my wife on the bed. they had removed her wig and her head was bald. Her brown eyes were shut like she was sleeping. No lines on her brow or look of pain and discomfort occupied her tender face. She looked like a little girl peacefully dreaming about castles and princes. but yet the dark circles under her eyes and the paleness of her clammy skin proved otherwise. She wasn’t ok, nothing about this situation was “ok”. She laid there between life and death and there wasn’t a thing that I could do about it. I quietly lifted the chair pushed in the corner and sat it down next to the bed. I took a seat and pressed my elbows into my knees and leaned down on my hands looking at her. Wondering if I wished hard enough if the pain would be pulled from her and transferred to me. If I just prayed could we actually switch places It seemed like the only way. Her life for mine. Nothing else would help. i would give away everything that I am and that I’ve become is it meant that Cameron sat in this chair instead of me I reached down and rubbed my finger against her hand. It felt cold, not usual for Camy. Her finger felt rugged, not soft. Was this really my baby laying here. This could all be some terrible mistake. My finger drug across the platinum wedding band followed the diamond solitaire and I sighed. It was my Cameron. I picked up her hand between both of mine hoping to transfer some of my body heat to her.
“Baby I’m here,” I said quietly. Nothing happened and I didn’t expect it too. The doctors and nurses didn’t know when she would wake up. the drugs would probably keep her out for awhile but that was ok. I didn’t want her to talk back. “Merry Christmas,” I muttered. “You remember our firs Christmas together?” I asked quietly. “It was so cold that year. they were even saying something about snow and you triple dog dared me to jump into the swimming pool in nothing but the santa hat,” I laughed softly and shook my head. “I didn’t use that hat as a hat that day and you can ask everyone that got a Christmas card form us that year exactly what I did with that hat,” I smile spread across my face as the image of that picture flashed in my head. It was hysterical. Me in midair, my hand up in the air, my legs spread apart, my mouth dropped opened as I screamed, snow coming down around me, and me butt ass naked with a santa hat covering the necessary as I hung above the swimming pool. It was so funny and even funnier w hen it hit the internet. People got to actually see the side of me that Cameron brings out and that was funny. “Remember my mom came over with all that food and we ate and ate until we couldn't even get up from the dinner table. And when we finally crawled into the living room we both passed out before we opened a single Christmas present.,” I laughed. “Ha that was so much fun,” I whispered. “We woke up and laid together in each others arms for hours just talking. I listened to you laugh and made fun of that silly thing you do with your lip when you don’t understand something. That funny curl,” I leaned down and kissed her hand softly. “We’re going to have to do that again. As soon as you get out this hospital. Me and you,” I whispered quietly. My head dropped to the bed and I closed my eyes tightly. “Cameron I need you so much. i don’t know if I tell you that. You’re the air i breathe and that’s corny I know but I can’t help it. You got to get through this. We have so much ahead of us. We got to trail that stupid dog we got. We got to watch Jaden grow up. Maybe have another baby. That would be a trip right,” I asked. I nodded like she answered me cause in my mind she did. “i know. So you get through this for us. You wake up tomorrow and watch Jaden open presents. We need you Cameron. I need you,” I whispered. I shut my eyes tight and prayed silently. There was so much that I wanted answers for but all that was forgotten as I asked for the only true Christmas present I needed. My wife.
A sucked in through my teeth as a needle was basically shoved in my arm for the fifth time today. They say it’s because Im stressed adn all that, that’s why my veins are rolling. It feels like I’ve become some new type of pin cusion and I’m sure that it’s going to look like I’ve been in some type of arm fight with all these bruises already on my arm.
“I got it,” the nurse exclaimed and hooked a little tube to the neddle. I sighed deeply and sat back against the chair relaxing finally. “I’m so sorry Mr. Timberlake. I’ve never had trouble with a needle like that,” the lady said sympathetically.
“It’s fine. Don’t worry about. My veins are stubborn just like me,” she giggled and I closed my eyes sighing.
“I’m sorry to hear about Cameron. How’s she doing,” I took a deep breath but my eyes remained closed.
“She still hasn’t really woken up completely. It’s touch and go right now. I just hope maybe this blood will help,” I whispered. The nurse slowly removed the needle from my arm and pressed a piece of gauze on the little area before securing it with a piece of tape.
“I hope so too. You’re done,” she said. I nodded and sat up pulling down the sleeves on my sweatshirt before sliding to the end of the bed. “Oh and Mr. Timberlake,” I looked back at the young woman. “Merry Christmas,” I smiled a weak but genuine smile.
“You too,” I said before walking out the room. I headed towards the parking deck. It’s Christmas and as much as I don’t want to I have to go home. For Jaden’s sake. I have to give him the Christmas that Cameron and I had planned for him. I know my mind won’t be there but that’s ok. Jaden is number one right now and if sitting in that big house in front of the Christmas tree will make my son smile then that’s what I’ll do. Even if it breaks my heart to do it with out Cameron.
I walked back into the living room and looked at Jaden still sleeping where I had left him. Laying on his back surrounded by pillows and covered by blankets. My son sound a sleep and looking more like his mom then I could even begin to handle. I looked away and continued my walk to the couch where I would sleep. I couldn’t sleep in my bed, not without Cameron there. I couldn’t wrap in those sheets and know that the scent I was smelling was her. That the blond stands of hair were hers. That the left side of the vanity was her stuff. I couldn’t do it. I would go insane thinking about everything. It’s bad enough I’m in this house right now.
I sighed deeply not wanting to think about it and curled up on the couch pulling the blanket up around me and snuggling in the pillow before closing my eyes hoping for an immediate closer to my three day restlessness.
As I slowly drifted off and was almost completely out the phone in the kitchen began to ring. I exhaled loudly and jumped up running into the kitchen before it woke up Jaden.
“Hello,” I said quietly very irritated.
“She’s asking for you,” Cameron’s mom said. i stood up straight.
“She’s awake,” I exclaimed.
“Justin they don’t know how long she’ll stay awake You need to get here now,” she said. I swallowed hard and nodded.
“Ten minutes,” I said and slammed down the phone. Please God just let me get there
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